A perfect day in the perfect pub - #3

"The Place I love is a million miles away..."

Lunchtime at the cricket, lunchtime in the perfect pub and a distant dream time on the jukebox. The Jam's 'The Place I love'* is playing. One of my favourite Weller songs, it always reminds of George Orwell's 'Coming up for Air'. 

In which, the main character George Bowling decides to revisit the places of his childhood, in particular he plans to revisit a specific pond with a large fish in that he had tried to capture over 30 years ago. When Bowling returns, he finds the whole place unrecognisable. He eventually locates the old pub where he is due to stay but finds it much changed. His old family home has become a tea-shop. Only the church and the vicar appear unchanged. 

The saddest part is when Bowling sees his ex-girlfriend. She has been so ravaged by time that she is almost unrecognisable and utterly devoid of the qualities he once adored. She in turn, fails to recognise him at all.

Thankfully, 'The Place I love' lingers in utopian days of sanctuary despite the fact that: 

"... the place I love is overgrown now
with beautiful moss and colourful flowers
and goldfish that swim in a pool, there's a small brick wall
with neon lighting, controlled by lightning"

As my mind reaches out for the opening salvo of Rick Buckler's drums on A-bomb in Wardour Street that never arrives, a fish finger sandwich drenched in Heinz Salad Cream, Vinegar and Tabasco does. The barman knows to leave bottles of all three condiments on the table too. The thick cut chips were brought here directly from Mount Olympus and melt on contact with my tongue. A second pint of Guinness has also appeared in a blur of efficiency and gratitude. 

The good news from the cricket is that Jimmy Anderson has already bagged three early Aussie wickets. Meanwhile, Internazionale are interested in buying a decent goalkeeper from Genoa and an amateur British cyclist has been tipped as an outside hope for this year's tour. 

All this and it is only ten past one! 

*I know that 'The Place I love' was never released on 7" 

but this is a perfect day in a perfect pub....

A perfect day in the perfect pub - #1

"It's such a Perfect Day..."

Lou Reed simmers on the pub jukebox. I am alone (I imagine) and I have just got my first drink of the day. I got in here around about 11:30am, I ordered a pint of Guinness (it's going to be a long day) and was happy to wait 20minutes for it to arrive.

A copy of today's Guardian, this fortnight's Private Eye and my notebook & artline™ pen rest on the slightly damp (but no longer sticky) table in front of me. There aren't too many pubs that have decent jukeboxes these days; in fact the last one I can recall is Bradley's Spanish Bar in Hanway Street (the other side of Oxford Street)). Anyway, this one seems to have one. It also seems to have a small reading room to the left of the regular's door. There is another door for tourists and PtD's (Part-time drinkers) plus XOP's (Christmas Office Party) at the other end of the pub.

The reading room has two very comfortable high backed leather chairs (which were liberated from Boodle's in a stunning anti-club heist by notorious 'Gentlemen Thief' Peter Strand in 1956). Pub protocol (even in pre-Covid times) dictates that only one person can be in the reading room at any given time, with the next occupant required to use the 'other' chair. The bookshelves are very well stocked with the complete works of the approved 13 + an excellent collection of literature and poetry. Plus every copy of the Wisden Cricket Almanac dating back to 1902.

The 13 (as voted for by the regulars every Boxing Day):

1. George Orwell
2. Samuel Beckett
3. James Joyce
4. Flann O'Brien
5. Marcel Proust
6. Jack Kerouac
7. Albert Camus
8. Charles Bukowski
9. J.G.Ballard
10. Ian Fleming
11. Iain Sinclair
12. Jeremy Reed
13. J-P Satre

My table sits under a painting by Lawrence Toynbee of Chelsea v Spurs, Stamford Bridge 1953 (Practice Match). The first taste of the Guinness primes me for the glories of the day ahead. As soon as the stout hits my stomach the jukebox filters a new mood. The sound of the Modern Jazz Quartet fills the pub and a half smile slinks out from under a maudlin frown... 

It is going to be a beautiful day.

The Moon Under Water

In the course of lockdown, I have had the pleasure of revisiting some of my favourite writers' work. A recent trawl through George Orwell brought me back to The Moon Under Water.

The Moon Under Water is a 1946 essay by George Orwell, originally published as the Saturday Essay in the Evening Standard on 9 February 1946, in which he provided a detailed description of his ideal public house, the fictitious "Moon Under Water".

The essay begins: "My favourite public-house, the Moon Under Water, is only two minutes from a bus stop, but it is on a side-street, and drunks and rowdies never seem to find their way there, even on Saturday nights...."

Orwell stipulated ten key points that his perfect pub in the London area should have (his criteria for country pubs being different, but unspecified):

1.   The architecture and fittings must be uncompromisingly Victorian.

2.   Games, such as darts, are only played in the public bar "so that in the other bars you can walk about without the worry of flying darts".

3.   The pub is quiet enough to talk, with the house possessing neither a radio nor a piano.

4.   The barmaids know the customers by name and take an interest in everyone.

5.   It sells tobacco and cigarettes, aspirins and stamps, and "is obliging about letting you use the telephone".

6.   "[...] there is a snack counter where you can get liver-sausage sandwiches, mussels (a speciality of the house), cheese, pickles and [...] large biscuits with caraway seeds [...]."

7.   "Upstairs, six days a week, you can get a good, solid lunch—for example, a cut off the joint, two vegetables and boiled jam roll—for about three shillings."

8.   "[...] a creamy sort of draught stout [...], and it goes better in a pewter pot."

9.   "They are particular about their drinking vessels at "The Moon Under Water" and never, for example, make the mistake of serving a pint of beer in a handleless glass. Apart from glass and pewter mugs, they have some of those pleasant strawberry-pink china ones. [...] but in my opinion beer tastes better out of china."

10. "[...] You go through a narrow passage leading out of the saloon, and find yourself in a fairly large garden [...] Many as are the virtues of the Moon Under Water I think that the garden is its best feature, because it allows whole families to go there instead of Mum having to stay at home and mind the baby while Dad goes out alone."

Whilst some of Orwell's culinary preferences reflect the wartime diet, the idea of listing the requirements of a London pub appeals to me. So, at the same time as strolling from Brixton to Soho, I'm going to describe the perfect day that awaits me at the end of my meanderings... 

Poll Results - George Orwell Novels

1 - 1984
2 - Homage to Catalonia
3 - Coming up for air
4 - Down and out in Paris & London

A brief snapshot of why George Orwell is brilliant.

" If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear. "

" Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence. In other words: it is war minus the shooting. "

" Speaking the Truth in times of universal deceit is a revolutionary act. "

" The great enemy of clear language is insincerity "

" For a creative writer possession of the truth is less important than emotional sincerity. "

" Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it. "

" The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. "

" An autobiography is only to be trusted when it reveals something disgraceful. A man who gives a good account of himself is probably lying, since any life when viewed from the inside is simply a series of defeats. "

" Political language. . . is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. "

" Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. "

" At age 50, every man has the face he deserves. "

" On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time. "

" Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. "

" Liberal: a power worshipper without power. "

" Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past. "

" War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent. "

Oh and one final cheery thought...

If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face -- forever.