Humorous Football Chants - Not

I had the good fortune to be at Wembley a couple of weeks ago and whilst it was a pleasure to see the mighty Chelsea vanquish Everton I was quite disappointed at the general level of crowd humour. It struck me that some chants and crowd reactions are getting a little bit tired.

Some examples of which are:

A Chelsea player falls over, cue Northern teams mass chants of
"Chelsea Rent Boy, Chelsea Rent boy"

Everton player falls over, cue
"Cheating Northern Bastard"

Everton fans start singing, cue
"In your Liverpool slums, you look in a dustbin for something to eat. You find a dead rat and you think it's a treat... Etc"

Everton player disuptes with referee, cue
"Calm down, calm down" in comical Harry Enfield scouser manner

Other teams responses are equally tired and laboured

Arsene Wenger gets up from the bench, cue
"Only one Arsene Wenger, with a packet of sweets and a cheeky smikle, Wenger is a f***in' paedophile"

Jose Mourinho gets up from the bench, cue Man City fans
"That coats from Matalan, that coats from Matalan..."
Actually that was bloody funny when they did it - the first time.

As for Chelsea's response to the god awful dirge "Liverpool, Liverpool" it doesn't bear repeating. Also Liverpool's songs about Busby Babes, United songs about Matthew Harding and Leeds United's songs about anyone

Although their song about "Cockney fan he is dead, escalator on his head..." is so surreal that it passed off with nothing more than a bemused shrug by most West Ham fans.

Top five favourite football banalities include:

"Yoooooooooooouuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeee Shhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttaaaaaagh"
"Who's the Wanker in the black"
"She fell over, she fell over"
"My old man said be a Palace fan, I said f**k off b*ll*cks you're a ***t"
"Score in a brothel, you couldn't score in a brothel"

Humorous football chants

(Thank you Matthew/Howard)

Where do they come from, where do they go. Priceless terrace wit. The following examples sum it all up...

From Oldham fans:
Give us a T. Give us an I.
Give us a T. Give us an S.
What do you do with 'em?
'Old'em! 'Old'em!

This little ditty took Colchester United star Dean Gerken's surname to task. The ditty ran to the tune of Guantanamera:
Stayed in a burger.
You should have stayed in a burger.
Should have stayed in a bur-ger.

An individual ditty that was sang to Swiss defender Bernt Haas, during his time at West Brom, went according to the tune of Go West:
Bernt Haas.
Shouldn't light his f*rts.
Bernt Haas.
Shouldn't light his f*rts.

While at Barcelona, Ronaldinho received stick for his toothy grin when, to the Conga tune, Liverpool fans sang:
Cilla wants her teeth back.
Cilla wants her teeth back.
La la la la, la la la la.

Big John Hartson was an easy target for Rangers fans during his time at Celtic. Their version of All Things Bright and Beautiful became the cutting:
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful,
John Hartson ate them all.

Part-timers Windsor And Eton did their best to drum up work for tradesman defender Dave Tilbury.To the tune of Ta-Ra-Ra-Boom-De-Ay, they sang:
We've got Dave Tilbury.
He'll paint your house for free.
He quotes and estimates.
He paints and decorates.

Chelsea fans mocked Turkish side Galatasaray with this quality chant:
You're shish. And you know you are. You're shish . . .

Chelsea were beating Leeds 5-0, so the Leeds fans attacked the electronic scoreboard until it short-circuited and went up in smoke. Then sang, 'Chelsea, Chelsea what's the score'

To Andy Goram, the Rangers goalkeeper who had episodes of schizophrenia:
Two Andy Gorams, There's only two Andy Gorams