Tin Pan Alley UK (aka Denmark Street)

Brim full of gleaming Gretschs, racks of Rickenbackers and fabulous Fenders. A veritable Aladdin's cave of guitars, amps and assorted musical paraphenalia. All wrapped up in the mists of time, when The Beatles , Hendrix & the Pistols stalked the pavements and cellar studios, recording demo's with no notion of what the future may bring. A slice of british musical history...

The art of being an English Gentleman (Pt 2)

Wake up late, arrive early. Stout brogues, appropriate suit, shirt and club tie. Follow the form in the first four races, don't bet on the 5th race, finish 3rd bottle of Champagne, move on to crispy white, bet heavily on 6th race, collect winnings. Get train back into city, go to regular dimly lit previously smoky haunt, regale bright young things with tales of derring do. Arrive home late, wake up late, order bright young thing a taxi, fix stiff drink and sit outside in the garden watching the world spin by.

Charters & Caldicott

From Night Train to Munich

Charters: I bought a copy of Mein Kampf. Occurred to me it might shed a spot of light on all this... how d'ye do. Ever read it?
Caldicott: Never had the time.
Charters: I understand they give a copy to all the bridal couples over here.
Caldicott: Oh, I don't think it's that sort of book, old man.

The art of being an English Gentleman (Pt 1)

Dressed in a fine pair of stout brogues, appropriate suit, shirt & tie combination. Head into the heart of the beating city, take a stroll down Shaftesbury Avenue, Piccadilly, Jermyn Street. Lunch at Wiltons, followed by the tube to Lords, watch some cricket, fall asleep, wake up, watch more cricket. Demolish a couple of bottles of Champagne, rock back into dizzy dark Soho. Start on the scotch, quoting fine rare and wild poetry (interspersed with the cricket score). Stumble out into the night. Wake up at home in the morning with a sturdy hangover, suit hung up, tie put away, 200 pounds sterling lighter and the name Katie written in lipstick on your chest.

Dustmen

Nowadays there are 15 different containers to recycle all and sundry being collected by 15 different collectors (just measure those emissions maan!), all very sensible of course. But I miss the clanking crunching sound of the good old fashioned British dustmen.

No ‘Greenways waste consultants’ corporate outfits for them. Normally stripped to the waste or more scarily wearing a leather jerkin (looking like a Celtic Soul Brothers-era bass player in Dexy’s Midnight runners). Their only concession to recycling was to pick out any choice items from your bin and put it in their own bag. They would then scatter the rest in a ramshackle manner up and down the street ensuring that the one bit of greenery in the garden would always feature a mouldy old tea bags.

Nor would they think twice about blocking up a one way street, they would park the dustcart slap in the middle of the road and then casually knock a few wing mirrors off as they ambled along. This would invariably be accompanied by tuneless whistling and the obligatory ‘blue’ story. Once they had decimated the street they would then head off into the next street belching dust and fumes, swearing and singing.

Meanwhile the one-armed Rupert the Bear toy that was strapped to the radiator grill would turn a lazy eye in your direction as they left, reminding you never to complain, never to moan and to make sure the ‘bloody bins are ready next Friday’…

Humorous football chants

(Thank you Matthew/Howard)

Where do they come from, where do they go. Priceless terrace wit. The following examples sum it all up...

From Oldham fans:
Give us a T. Give us an I.
Give us a T. Give us an S.
What do you do with 'em?
'Old'em! 'Old'em!

This little ditty took Colchester United star Dean Gerken's surname to task. The ditty ran to the tune of Guantanamera:
Stayed in a burger.
You should have stayed in a burger.
Should have stayed in a bur-ger.

An individual ditty that was sang to Swiss defender Bernt Haas, during his time at West Brom, went according to the tune of Go West:
Bernt Haas.
Shouldn't light his f*rts.
Bernt Haas.
Shouldn't light his f*rts.

While at Barcelona, Ronaldinho received stick for his toothy grin when, to the Conga tune, Liverpool fans sang:
Cilla wants her teeth back.
Cilla wants her teeth back.
La la la la, la la la la.

Big John Hartson was an easy target for Rangers fans during his time at Celtic. Their version of All Things Bright and Beautiful became the cutting:
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful,
John Hartson ate them all.

Part-timers Windsor And Eton did their best to drum up work for tradesman defender Dave Tilbury.To the tune of Ta-Ra-Ra-Boom-De-Ay, they sang:
We've got Dave Tilbury.
He'll paint your house for free.
He quotes and estimates.
He paints and decorates.

Chelsea fans mocked Turkish side Galatasaray with this quality chant:
You're shish. And you know you are. You're shish . . .

Chelsea were beating Leeds 5-0, so the Leeds fans attacked the electronic scoreboard until it short-circuited and went up in smoke. Then sang, 'Chelsea, Chelsea what's the score'

To Andy Goram, the Rangers goalkeeper who had episodes of schizophrenia:
Two Andy Gorams, There's only two Andy Gorams

When "Jazz" met "Popular" music

When every week bought a new trend, every copy of NME a new band and every trip to London a slight refining of image the early 80's were a wonderful place to discover music. One of the brief eras was the rise of jazz tinged pop epitomised by the likes of Weekend, Everything but the Girl and the first Style Council album.

As clean as a crisp white button down shirt, as fresh as a summers day on Ipanema Beach and as cool as Les Bains Douches after dark, the gentle shimmering guitars gave colour to the day, the rolling samba rhythm's added a swagger to the roll of the waves and the melancholy sway of the saxophone heralded the coming of another glorious Soho night.

Those gentle explorations led to a deep and abiding love of Jazz that has been with me ever since. With spring here and summer just around the corner the urge is with me again - Blow man, blow!

Matthew reading extracts from Estrella Damn

Although I have studiously avoided mentioning friends and family on this blog, not least because they know very well that I miss them and love them very much - I hope! I couldn't let this one pass by:

Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Time: 8:00pm - 10:00pm
Location: Waterstones Covent Garden
Street: 9-13 Garrick Street
City/Town: London, United Kingdom