All the news with the truth taken out, right here, right now!
Chelsea are attempting to stage a massive transfer coup with a dramatic £50m bid for Liverpool striker Fernando Torres.
Truth rating - 100%
Tottenham are ready to make a second bid to snatch Everton skipper Phil Neville before Monday's transfer deadline. They have parked an unmarked van outside Everton's training ground and hope to distract him with one of those pens with a girl and a bikini that disappears when you tilt it upside down!
Truth rating - 42.5%
Days after inspiring Birmingham City to a place in the Carling Cup final, striker Nikola Zigic could be about to go on loan to Aston Villa.
Truth rating - 0.2%
Meanwhile, Birmingham are making a £2.5m bid for Aston Villa central defender Curtis Davies after ruling out offloading winger Sebastian Larsson in a player-plus cash swap deal. they have also put in a bid for Gerard Houllier as a back up for their reserve team coach Tony Hadley (former lead singer in Spandau Ballet).
Truth rating - 94%
Sunderland have turned their attention to New Zealand Rugby Union Star/Boxer/former Rugby League player, Sonny Bill Williams as they look to replace Darren Bent. SBW's representatives are said to be very interested in a lucrative signing on fee.
Truth rating - 5%
Fulham are looking to buy Spurs midfielder Nico Kranjcar after a deal to buy winger Shaun Wright-Phillips from Manchester City falls through. Mark Hughes said "Nico scores quite highly in Scrabble even against SWP, so we'll look to get him on the board."
Truth rating - 20%
Brazilian forward Lucas Piazon has turned down a move to Chelsea in favour of Juventus. Which is funny because Chelsea have never even heard of him.
Truth rating - 20%
ELSEWHERE IN OTHER GOSSIP
Manchester United could be looking to Lyon's French international goalkeeper Monsieur Hulot as a long-term replacement for Edwin van der Sar, who will retire at the end of the season.
Truth rating - 34%
Blackpool chairman Karl Oyston has told the Premier League: "Maybe you should pick our team," after the club are fined £25,00 for fielding a weakened side. However, given the Premier League's track record Oyston might be better off inviting people who know something about football.
Truth rating - 34%
Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard says Kenny Dalglish has got the Reds winning again by putting a smile back on the players' faces. "The Gaffa does a cracking impersonation of Smithy out of Gavin & Stacey, he has us in stitches like".
Truth rating - 98%
Currently out of work former Fulham boss Chris Coleman believes the return to action of striker Bobby Zamora and forward Moussa Dembele can lift the club up the table. He also believes that the Pope might be a Roman Catholic and that Bears are fond of wood based toilet facilties.
Truth rating - 6%
Midfielder Jack Wilshere was last night told he represents "the future" of England as manager Fabio Capello revealed his new tactical masterplan is based on the Arsenal teenager.
Truth rating - 5%
AND FINALLY
In response to Qatar based TV channel Al Jazeera expressing interest in wanting to snap up former Sky Sports football presenters Richard Keys and Andy Gray. Shameless rumours that Al Qaeda have also expressed a desire to meet with the two pundits to share their views on women's role in the game are absolutely untrue.
Truth rating - 100%
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