James Bond Novels # 2 - Live & Let Die

James Bond is sent to New York City to investigate "Mr. Big", an underworld voodoo leader who is suspected by M of selling 17th century gold coins to finance Soviet spy operations in America. These gold coins have been turning up in Harlem and Florida and are suspected of being part of a treasure that was buried in Jamaica by the Welsh pirate Sir Henry Morgan. Although Bond is at first reluctant to take on the mission, his attitude quickly changes upon learning that Mr. Big is an agent of SMERSH and that this mission offers him a chance of retaliation for previously being tortured by SMERSH operative Le Chiffre and having a Russian (Cyrilic) letter carved into the back of his hand by a SMERSH assassin in Casino Royale.

In New York, Bond meets up with his counterpart in the CIA, Felix Leiter. The two decide to visit some of Mr. Big's nightclubs in Harlem, but Mr. Big is aware of their movements through his network of informers and they are easily captured. Bond is personally interrogated by Mr. Big, who uses his fortune telling-girlfriend, Solitaire, to determine if Bond is telling the truth. Solitaire lies to Mr. Big, supporting Bond's cover story. Mr. Big decides to release Bond and Felix with only a mild beating, and has one of his men break one of Bond's fingers by pulling it backward until it snaps, but Bond then escapes and kills several of Mr. Big's men in the process. Leiter is released by a sympathetic gang member who shares his love of jazz.

Solitaire later contacts Bond and they travel to St. Petersburg, Florida. While Bond and Leiter are scouting one of Mr. Big's warehouses that is used for storing exotic fish, Solitaire is kidnapped by Mr. Big's minions. Felix later returns to the warehouse by himself, but is either captured and fed to a shark or tricked into standing on a trap door over the shark tank. He survives, losing an arm and a leg. Bond finds him in their safe house with a note pinned to his chest "He disagreed with something that ate him". After getting Felix to the hospital, Bond investigates the warehouse himself, and discovers that Mr. Big is indeed smuggling gold by placing it in the bottom of fish tanks holding poisonous tropical fish. Bond destroys much of the warehouse and then causes Mr. Big's gunman (the "Robber") to fall into the shark tank without leaving evidence that he has discovered the coin-smuggling scheme.

Bond continues his mission in Jamaica where he meets Quarrel and John Strangways, the head of the MI6 station in Jamaica. Quarrel gives Bond training in scuba diving in the local waters. Bond swims through shark and barracuda infested waters to Mr. Big's island and manages to plant a limpet mine on the hull of his yacht before being captured once again by Mr. Big. In the grand finale, Mr. Big ties Solitaire and Bond to a line behind his yacht and plans to drag them over the shallow coral reef and into deeper water so that the sharks and barracuda that he attracts in to the area with regular feedings will eat them.

Bond and Solitaire are saved when the limpet mine explodes moments before they are dragged over the reef: though temporarily stunned by the explosion and injured on the coral Bond and Solitaire are protected from the explosion by the reef, and Bond watches as Mr. Big, who survived the explosion, is killed by the sharks and barracuda. Bond and Solitaire then stay in Jamaica for a brief holiday in the book's close.

Ian Fleming intended the follow-up to Casino Royale to be of a more serious tone, a meditation on the nature of evil. The novel's original title, The Undertaker's Wind, reflects this. Fleming conducted research for Live and Let Die and completed it before Casino Royale was published; his publishers had offered him a contract for three books following Royale's popularity. Drawing from personal experiences, the opening with Bond's arrival at New York's Idlewild Airport was inspired by Fleming's own arrivals in 1941 and 1953. Also, the warehouse at which Felix Leiter is attacked by a shark was based on a warehouse Fleming had visited in 1953.

One of the weaker Bond novels, Live & let die betrays a barely concealed racist view of Black American and Jamaican culture that leaves the modern reader more than a little uncomfortable. Fleming's belief that Britain could save a decadent and addled American society from Communist infiltration through the hard graft of just one man is now quite an amusing construct though.

Poll Results - Bond novels (Part 1)

1= Casino Royale
1= From Russia with Love
3. Diamonds are forever
4. Live & let die

James Bond Novels - Casino Royale

The first of Ian Fleming's Bond novels, Casino Royale was apparently written in response to the looming shadow of getting married and the impending 'castration' from all the good things in life.

He started working on it in January 1952. At the time, Fleming was the Foreign Manager for Kemsley Newspapers, an organisation owned by The Sunday Times. Upon accepting the job, Fleming sensibly requested that he be allowed two months vacation per year. Every year thereafter, until his death in 1964, Fleming would retreat for the first two months of the year to his Jamaican estate, Goldeneye, to write a James Bond book.

Fleming used all aspects of his life as inspiration when writing: Every acquaintance of Ian Fleming ran the risk of ending up in one of his Bond books, and almost every character in his fiction is based on a real person, even if only by name. He plucked these monikers from his social circle, his memory, his reading, his favourite newspaper, the Jamaica Gleaner, and his imagination: old school friends (and enemies), clubmen, colleagues in the City and Fleet Street, golfing partners, girlfriends and others found themselves transported into Fleming’s fiction. The fact that my father's name Peter Franks appears in Diamonds are Forever, was always an intriguing adjunct to my fascination with the Bond novels.

Between 1953 and 1966, twelve James Bond novels and two short story collections by Fleming were published, including one novel and one collection issued posthumously. (It is still argued whether Fleming himself actually finished 1965's The Man with the Golden Gun, as he died very soon after it is known to have been completed.)

In Casino Royale MI6 assigns James Bond, Special Agent 007, to bankrupt Le Chiffre, the paymaster for a SMERSH-controlled trade union, in a high-stakes baccarat game at the Royale-Les-Eaux casino. With him is Vesper Lynd, an MI6 accountant sent to make sure Bond handles the agency's money properly. He initially thinks of her as a nuisance, but over time grows to have romantic feelings for her.

The game soon turns into a one-on-one confrontation between Le Chiffre and Bond that soon bankrupts the latter. As Bond contemplates killing Le Chiffre outright, he is approached by CIA agent Felix Leiter, who offers to stake Bond for another hand. Bond accepts the offer and eventually wins the game, taking from Le Chiffre tens of millions of francs belonging to SMERSH. Desperate, Le Chiffre kidnaps Lynd and subjects Bond to brutal torture, threatening to kill them both if he does not get the money back. Suddenly, a SMERSH assassin bursts in and kills Le Chiffre as punishment for losing the money, saving Bond's life.

Lynd visits Bond every day as he recuperates in the hospital, and he gradually realizes that he loves her; he even contemplates leaving Her Majesty's Secret Service to settle down with her. When Bond is released, they go on holiday together, and eventually become lovers. One day, they see a mysterious man named Gettler tracking their movements, which greatly distresses Vesper. The following morning, Bond finds that Lynd has committed suicide, leaving behind a note explaining that she had been working as an unwilling double agent for the MVD. SMERSH had kidnapped her lover, a Polish RAF pilot, who had revealed information about her under torture; SMERSH then used that information to blackmail her into helping them undermine Bond's mission, including her own faked kidnapping. She had tried to start a life with Bond, but upon seeing Gettler — a SMERSH agent — she realized that she would never be free of her tormentors, and that staying with Bond would only put him in danger.

Bond copes with the loss by renouncing Lynd as a traitor and going back to work as if nothing has happened, coldly telling M, "The bitch is dead now." Nevertheless, subsequent novels reveal that he never truly gets over her death; in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, for example, it is revealed that he makes an annual pilgrimage to Royale-Les-Eaux to visit her grave, while in Diamonds Are Forever, he avoids listening to "La Vie en Rose", a song closely associated with Lynd in Casino Royale.

Fleming stated that Casino Royale was inspired by certain incidents that took place during his career at the Naval Intelligence Division of the Admiralty. Childhood friend Brett Hart was the basis for the novel, including a trip to Lisbon that Fleming and the Director of Naval Intelligence, Admiral Godfrey, took during World War II en route to the United States.

While there, they went to the Estoril Casino in Estoril, which (due to the neutral status of Portugal) had a number of spies of warring regimes present. Fleming claimed that while there he was cleaned out by a "chief German agent" at a table playing chemin de fer. Admiral Godfrey tells a different story: Fleming only played Portuguese businessmen and that afterwards Fleming had fantasized about there being German agents and the excitement of cleaning them. His references to 'Red Indians' (four times, twice on last page) comes from Fleming's own 30 Assault Unit, which he nicknamed his own 'Red Indians'.

The failed assassination attempt on Bond while at Royale-Les-Eaux is also claimed by Fleming to be inspired by a real event. The inspiration comes from a failed assassination on Franz von Papen who was a Vice-Chancellor and Ambassador under Adolf Hitler. Both Papen and Bond survive their assassination attempts, carried out by Bulgarians, due to a tree that protects them both from a bomb blast.

On a geographic note, the city of Royale-les-Eaux and its casino are inspired by Le Touquet-Paris-Plage or by Deauville, where Fleming used to play as a young man.

Casino Royale is a fanatstic introduction to Bond, the otherwordly almost exotic atmosphere of a late-night French casino was in stark contrast to the austerity of both post-war and mid-seventies (when I first read it) Britain. Bond's willingness to take on the cunning Le Chiffre, whilst polishing off numerous drinks and enemies in equal measure sets a pace that didn't let up in his writing for the next ten years.

Bond's latent racism and inherent sexism, whilst not to be dismissed, must be taken in the context of the time and Fleming's upbringing. In fact compared to some of the crass examples of both in the latter films his prejudices are quite mild. That being said, Casino Royale is the only place to start for anybody discovering him for the first time and indeed the only place for anyone returning to his annual trawl through the files of Commander Sir James Bond, (KCMG, RNVR).

James Bond & Harry Palmer

It is often said that where Bond glamourised the world of espionage, Palmer epitomised the mundane nature of life in the British Secret Service. For every one of Bond's rather rich meals in a french casino, Palmer rustles up a nice little omelette for his current acquaintance. It is new money v old England, Flash v Stylish, Fleming v Deighton...

Interestingly enough, Deighton was actually invited to write the screenplay for From Russia with love. Although little of it was actually used. Either way, the truth of the matter is, they both looked good, dressed well & drank steadily. All in all, enough to satisfy Gentlemen of any era!

Poll Results - Harry Palmer Novels

1. The Ipcress File
2. The Billion Dollar Brain
3. Funeral in Berlin
4. Horse under water

Poll Results - Favourite Welshman

1 = Richard Burton
1 = Dylan Thomas
3 - Aneurin Bevan

Ash Wednesday

And you can't have a cigarette in colour, black & white only. That is why they smoked in the 60's but we don't anymore. It says so, it's in the rules...

Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day)

You can't make a pancake without...

Pretending you are actually Michael Caine as Harry Palmer in The Ipcress File, it says so, it's in the rules.

Dole Days

"Wham! Bam! I am a man! Job or no job, you can't tell me that I'm not"

Back in the way back, when jobs were optional and the dole was, if not plentiful, then financially tolerable and more importantly readily available.

The days stretched out like an endless road before us. Wake up whenever, go to bed whenever, skip a day, miss a night. Pop round a friends at three in the morning to have a smoke and listen to some Cajun Be-Bop or Ragamuffin Hip Hop.

Wake up at six & head down the seafront to read Ian Fleming novels on the beach, pile over to Brighton in Malc's van or just luxuriate in the sensual company of someone infinitely more interesting than the man at the job centre.

Those were the special days...

Afternoon Films #2 - Where Eagles Dare

'Get him!'

It is World War II, in the winter of 1943-44; U.S. Army Brigadier General George Carnaby, one of the chief planners of D-Day, is captured by the Germans when his aircraft is shot down en-route to Crete. He is taken to the Schloß Adler (The Castle of the Eagles – hence the title), a fortress high in the Alps that is headquarters of the German Secret Service in southern Bavaria. A team of mainly British commandos is assembled and briefed by Colonel Wyatt Turner and Admiral Rolland (Michael Hordern AKA Paddington Bear)of MI6, and led by Major John Smith (Richard Burton) and US Army Ranger Lieutenant Morris Schaffer (Clint Eastwood). Their mission is to parachute in, infiltrate the Schloß Adler, and rescue General Carnaby before the Germans can interrogate him. Agent Mary Elison, an MI6 operative, accompanies the mission in secret, her presence known only to Major Smith.

As the mission begins, two members are mysteriously killed, but Major Smith is unperturbed and keeps Lt. Schaffer as a close ally. Contriving to get the party captured, Smith and Schaffer, being officers, are separated from Thomas, Christiansen, and Berkeley, the only three remaining NCOs. Smith and Schaffer kill their captors and blow up a supply depot before hitching a ride on a cable car — the only approach to the castle. Mary, posing as a new maid, had been brought into the castle by Heidi, an MI6 agent disguised as a barmaid in the nearby village, and Major Von Hapen, a Gestapo officer and Heidi's acquaintance, who becomes infatuated with her. Mary allows Schaffer and Smith to climb in through a window overlooking the castle's station.

Carnaby's interrogation is underway, carried out by Gen. Rosemeyer and Col. Kramer, when Thomas and the others arrive and reveal themselves to be German double agents. Smith and Schaffer intrude, but Smith betrays and disarms Schaffer, and establishes himself as "Major Johann Schmidt" of SS Military Intelligence. He exposes the identity of Carnaby — that of a U.S. Army Corporal named Cartwright Jones, posing as the real general — and also explains that Thomas and the rest are British impostors. To test them, Smith proposes they write the names of their fellow conspirators to be compared to the personal list in his pocket, and divulges the name of Germany's top agent in Britain secretly to Kramer, who silently affirms it. After the three finish their lists, Smith reveals his list to Kramer, which appears to be blank. To the room's surprise, Smith admits the rescue operation was a cover for the real mission — to discover the identities of German spies in Britain.

Meanwhile, Mary, preparing the explosives, meets von Hapen again; he takes her to the castle's cafe, and subtly forces her to recite the tale of her assumed identity. He finds faults in her story, prompting him to investigate; he happens upon the meeting just as Smith finishes his explanation, and becomes hostile. Mary's entrance distracts von Hapen enough for Schaffer to kill him and the other German officers, after which the remaining group escape. Thomas, Berkeley and Christiansen are taken prisoner. Schaffer sets explosives to create diversions around the compound and Smith leads the group to the radio room, where he informs Rolland of their success. This scene includes the by now immortal code words "Broadsword calling Danny Boy", which Burton hams up to ludicrous levels.

They then battle their way to the cable car station; Thomas is sacrificed as a decoy, and Berkeley and Christiansen attempt their own escape, but Smith climbs atop the cable car they steal and destroys it with an explosive. Smith makes it back on a returning cable car and rides back down with the others, but the group abandons it mid-descent to reunite with Heidi and board a bus, prepared earlier as their escape vehicle. They drive hard to an airfield with soldiers in hot pursuit, and barely make it onto a disguised extraction plane, where Colonel Turner is waiting for them.

Smith briefs Turner on the mission and confirms a suspicion that he and Rolland had shared since before the start — namely that Turner himself is the top Nazi agent in Britain, whose name the late Kramer had agreed to before; Turner had been lured into participating so MI6 could expose him, with Mary (Smith's trusted partner) and Schaffer (an American with no connection to MI6) specially assigned to the team to ensure the mission's success. Deciding to save face, Turner commits suicide by jumping out of the plane.

All in all a cracking romp and one that survives repeat viewings, even now. Burton looks every inch a hard bitten lover of the sauce and Clint, well Clint looks like Clint, perfecting his minimalist approach to dialogue which came in hand for his role as Harry Callahan in the Dirty harry movies (more of which another day). Plenty of Nazis being blown to kingdom come and of course the brilliant cable car scene.

Cast
Richard Burton as Smith
Clint Eastwood as Schaffer
Mary Ure as Mary
Patrick Wymark as Turner
Michael Hordern as Rolland
Donald Houston as Christiansen
Peter Barkworth as Berkeley
William Squire as Thomas
Robert Beatty as Carnaby
Brook Williams as Harrod
Neil McCarthy as MacPherson
Vincent Ball as Carpenter
Anton Diffring as Kramer
Ferdy Mayne as Rosemeyer
Derren Nesbitt as Von Hapen
Victor Beaumont as Weissner
Ingrid Pitt as Heidi

Smarties

In the sepia tinted days before blue Smarties came on the scene and ruined everything, before the tubes became hexagons, when you wished that the letter on the inside of the lid corresponded with the target of your affection. There were proper Smarties...

Rowntrees of York, England, had made "Chocolate Beans" from 1882 onwards. The product was then renamed in a fit of marketing exuberance "Smarties Chocolate Beans" in 1937. However, before you could even blink an eye, forty years had passed and Rowntrees were forced to drop the words "chocolate beans" in 1977 due to trading standards requirements (the use of the word "beans" was felt to be misleading) so they adopted the stunning "Milk Chocolate in a Crisp Sugar Shell". Later, the sweet was rebranded quite simply and somewhat provocatively as "Smarties".

Smarties are now no longer manufactured in York; production has now moved to Germany (don't get me started), where a third of them were already made (did we know this?). Outside Europe, Nestlé's largest production facility for Smarties is in Canada, where Nestlé has been manufacturing products since 1918.

Apparently, in subculture "smarties" is a street name for ecstasy, because of the latter coming as colourful tablets. Although why on earth anyone would want to pop a pill as opposed to gulping down a handful "Chocolate Beans" is beyond me!

Taking a stroll...

Through Soho at dusk. From Carnaby Street to Kettners, dreaming of the girl at the end of the bar!

St David's Day

What we miss most about Wales...

Travelling to the Millenium Stadium for Cup Finals
Dylan Thomas
Bets-Y-Coed creamy Fudge
Brains Bitter
Rodney Ontong
Matthew Maynard
Duffy
Steven Gerrard OG
Ryan Giggs
St Mary's Street, Cardiff
Late nights at the Marriott
Sophia Gardens
St Ives Caerphilly
Llandridod Wells
Le Monde (St Mary Street)
Faggots in Gravy
Merthyr at dusk
North Wales slate mines
Beating Wales at Twickenham
Tom Jones
Walking along the Gower
The Hayes Toilet, Cardiff
Richard Burton
Anthony Hopkins
The Great Orme
Gavin & Stacey
Zulu
JPR Williams
Barry John
Holyhead ferry to Ireland
Severn Bridge Toll
The Prisoner
Young Marble Giants
Welsh Anthems that make your hair stand on end
Revolution Vodka Bar
Welsh rarebit (cheese on toast)
Eddie Niedzwiecki
Simon Jones
Monty Panesar & Jimmy Anderson
the road home (via the Membury Services)


(With thanks to Carlo Sartori)

Poll Results - Pop Art Explosions!!!

And the winner was...

1. WHAAM!!
2. POW!
3. ZAP!

Bubble & Squeak

Roast dinner was fine (when I used to eat meat) but it wasn't the highlight of the weekend. The true culinary hotspot was on Sunday when the leftovers from the previous days meal were transformed from horrible cabbage, soggy potato, inedible peas into the gorgeous, nay sumptuous explosion of taste and texture that was/is and ever shall be bubble & squeak.

Doused with gravy and the obligatory mint sauce, not forgetting the obligatory burnt bits. Nothing, no, nothing could beat it. Add to that a lovely yorkshire pudding and some cold cut and I was dining at the Ritz, the Stamford Bridge Cafe and The Grand Hotel Eastbourne all at the same time.

In fact now that the plate no longer has to accomodate beef, lamb or pork there is room for even more!

Wonderful!

UFO

Sunday lunchtime, before Batman & The Big Match (or heaven help us the dreadful Southern Soccer - more of which anon), in the afterglow of cold meat and Bubble & Squeak (anon 2), one programme stood out - UFO.

UFO was a signpost to the future. In the far off 1980's we wopuld all be driving round in cars with doors that either flipped up at the side or even better still flipped up at the front. We would be wearing all-in-one cream or indeed fawn jumpsuits. Women would have purple bobs and look incredibly gorgeous and we would also have a moonbase, interceptors, mobiles and perhaps most importantly (although I think the sartorial images ran it blooming close), we would be being invaded by Aliens from outerspace.

Funnily enough the alien race is never given a proper name, either by themselves or by human beings; they are simply referred to as "the aliens". Humanoid in appearance, the autopsy of the first alien captured reveals that they are harvesting organs from the bodies of abducted humans (nice). Their faces are stained by the hue of a green oxygenated liquid, which is believed to cushion their lungs against the extreme acceleration of interstellar flight; this liquid is contained in their helmets. To protect their eyes the aliens wear opaque sclera contact lenses with small pinholes for vision. The alien spacesuits were made of red Lycra and if truth be told, gave them a slightly less frightening demeanour.

To defend Earth against the aliens, a secret organisation called SHADO (Supreme Headquarters Alien Defence Organisation) is established. Operating behind the cover of the Harlington-Straker Studios movie studio in England, SHADO is headed by Commander Ed Straker (played by Ed Bishop), he was a former United States Air Force Colonel and astronaut who poses as the studio's chief executive. As an aside one rather dubious element of Straker's character was that he refused to drink alcohol even though he has a fully stocked bar in his SHADO office.

UFO had a large cast, and many of its members would come and go during the course of the series, with a number of actors — most notably George Sewell and Gabrielle Drake — leaving the series during the production break that occurred when the series had to change studios midway through production. It was established early on that SHADO personnel rotate between positions, so the occasional disappearance of characters — some of whom would later return in other positions — fits in with the concept of the series. Also, due to the scheduling of the series, which did not reflect the production order, some episodes featuring departed cast members were not actually aired until late in the series, giving the impression that no major cast changes occurred. Among the major actors, only Ed Bishop appeared in all episodes. The other major recurring characters apart from Straker in the series were:

Colonel Paul Foster (portrayed by Michael Billington) was a former test pilot whose plane was critically damaged when SHADO's Sky One intercepted and destroyed a UFO in close proximity to Foster's jet. His subsequent persistent investigation of the incident threatened to expose SHADO's existence and Straker considered having him killed, but instead was impressed enough with Foster to offer him a position with SHADO. Foster appears to be somewhat of a protégé of Straker's, as he was shown in a number of major positions. He was Moonbase Commander for a time (substituting for Lt. Ellis), assigned to Skydiver for several months, and also receives a position of authority at SHADO HQ. He masquerades as one of Straker's film producers in the studio and enjoyed a brief relationship with Col. Virginia Lake. Foster had the unique distinction of having once befriended one of the aliens, though he could not prevent him from being killed by SHADO personnel; his overall demeanour became noticeably more cynical after this event, a trait that rubbed off fairly quickly on those watching.

Lt. Gay Ellis (Gabrielle Drake) was most often seen as Moonbase Commander during the first half of the series, Lt. Ellis was occasionally portrayed as lacking self-confidence, and at other times as a take-charge officer. She was briefly reassigned to SHADO HQ when it was suggested that she may be romantically involved with Interceptor pilot Mark Bradley ("Computer Affair"). She also appeared to be attracted to Ed Straker, though nothing comes of it.

The thing however that Gabrielle Drake is perhaps most famous for is being the sister of Nick Drake and the mild state of confusion this engendered in me when first seeing a picture of the supremely gifted but pitifully shy guitarist took a while to resolve itself...

Col. Alec Freeman (George Sewell) SHADO's first officer until about the three-quarter point in the series (when Sewell left following the change of studios). A lady's man in his early 40s, Freeman was Straker's right hand man and, occasionally, his muscle. Everybody's pal at SHADO, Freeman takes a sardonic attitude towards some of the things Straker and SHADO must do to survive, and once submitted his resignation in protest over a decision ("Computer Affair"). Straker's closest friend and best man at his wedding, Freeman was the very first operative recruited into SHADO by Straker (as seen in "Confetti Check A-OK").

Footnote
I was convinced that I would one day end up driving Paul Fosters car, fighting The Aliens, working for Shado and most importantly that I would spend every waking hour of the day snogging Lt Gay Ellis, hence my confusion.. Sadly none of those things came to pass, although I was driving home at dusk last night and I saw a bright light in the sky, perhaps...

St Valentine's Day

The intrigue, the mystery, the run across the road to buy the girl in the office some flowers, the poem, the imagined kiss, the memories of warm nights under Soho's glow and of course the silent trudge home across the sand at dusk...

Top of the Dadaists - Poll Result

1. Hans/Jean Arp & Francis Picabia
3. Kurt Schwitters & Tristan Tzara
z. Klaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnggggg!!

A day of dAda Art

Sure, there are a few galleries down here. They are scattered quite nicely around the city but...

It is not quite the same as disappearing off into London and hanging out in the Tate (Britain or Modern, I'm not proud) or any of the other wonderful galleries. Turning the corner to find a Schwitters, Tazara, Arp or Picabia slumped against a wall, nailed to the ceiling or melting silently in a ball of fire and ice!

Whoooooooooooooopppppppppppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

Poll Results - Jingly-jangly

And the winners are:

1. Orange Juice
2. The Smiths
3. Aztec Camera

Oh yes!

The death of the art of flirting

It was last Tuesday that the art of flirting finally bit the dust, a final coy remark and that was it. Gone. It would be easy (and probably incorrect) to blame the demise of the gentle flirt on ‘Political Correctness’ gone mad, the rise of computer games, the antics of Messrs Gray & Keys or any other of the hundred thousand excuses people trot out at times like these.

Perhaps the fact is, people just don't have the time, the inclination and most importantly the skills required to flirt any more. The art of having one conversation whilst so obviously having a completley different one at the same time with the same person has been lost.

So, for the purpose of historical accuracy I shall recount the moment that flirting died...

In a bar in Sydney, a young man of no more than 23 managed to catch the eye of the young girl serving. He ordered a beer and opened up a charming dialogue which culminated in him offering to buy the young lady a drink too.

"No thanks, can't" she replied. He looked her in the eye and then down at his own drink. "My loss..." he said and walked straight out of the bar, leaving his cold drink on the bar. She looked bemused for a second and then swiftly polished off the drink he'd left behind before popping the glass in the dishwasher.

Meanwhile, outside the bar the young man looked back in through the window as she wiped her mouth on the back of her hand.

The Premier League Transfer rumours - LATEST

All the news with the truth taken out, right here, right now!

Chelsea are attempting to stage a massive transfer coup with a dramatic £50m bid for Liverpool striker Fernando Torres.
Truth rating - 100%

Tottenham are ready to make a second bid to snatch Everton skipper Phil Neville before Monday's transfer deadline. They have parked an unmarked van outside Everton's training ground and hope to distract him with one of those pens with a girl and a bikini that disappears when you tilt it upside down!
Truth rating - 42.5%

Days after inspiring Birmingham City to a place in the Carling Cup final, striker Nikola Zigic could be about to go on loan to Aston Villa.
Truth rating - 0.2%

Meanwhile, Birmingham are making a £2.5m bid for Aston Villa central defender Curtis Davies after ruling out offloading winger Sebastian Larsson in a player-plus cash swap deal. they have also put in a bid for Gerard Houllier as a back up for their reserve team coach Tony Hadley (former lead singer in Spandau Ballet).
Truth rating - 94%

Sunderland have turned their attention to New Zealand Rugby Union Star/Boxer/former Rugby League player, Sonny Bill Williams as they look to replace Darren Bent. SBW's representatives are said to be very interested in a lucrative signing on fee.
Truth rating - 5%

Fulham are looking to buy Spurs midfielder Nico Kranjcar after a deal to buy winger Shaun Wright-Phillips from Manchester City falls through. Mark Hughes said "Nico scores quite highly in Scrabble even against SWP, so we'll look to get him on the board."
Truth rating - 20%

Brazilian forward Lucas Piazon has turned down a move to Chelsea in favour of Juventus. Which is funny because Chelsea have never even heard of him.
Truth rating - 20%

ELSEWHERE IN OTHER GOSSIP
Manchester United could be looking to Lyon's French international goalkeeper Monsieur Hulot as a long-term replacement for Edwin van der Sar, who will retire at the end of the season.
Truth rating - 34%

Blackpool chairman Karl Oyston has told the Premier League: "Maybe you should pick our team," after the club are fined £25,00 for fielding a weakened side. However, given the Premier League's track record Oyston might be better off inviting people who know something about football.
Truth rating - 34%

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard says Kenny Dalglish has got the Reds winning again by putting a smile back on the players' faces. "The Gaffa does a cracking impersonation of Smithy out of Gavin & Stacey, he has us in stitches like".
Truth rating - 98%

Currently out of work former Fulham boss Chris Coleman believes the return to action of striker Bobby Zamora and forward Moussa Dembele can lift the club up the table. He also believes that the Pope might be a Roman Catholic and that Bears are fond of wood based toilet facilties.
Truth rating - 6%

Midfielder Jack Wilshere was last night told he represents "the future" of England as manager Fabio Capello revealed his new tactical masterplan is based on the Arsenal teenager.
Truth rating - 5%

AND FINALLY
In response to Qatar based TV channel Al Jazeera expressing interest in wanting to snap up former Sky Sports football presenters Richard Keys and Andy Gray. Shameless rumours that Al Qaeda have also expressed a desire to meet with the two pundits to share their views on women's role in the game are absolutely untrue.
Truth rating - 100%

The Premier League Transfer Window - Latest news

The stuff, the nonsense, the hue & cry, the complete and utter non-sensical bladerdash of the English Transfer window - I love it!

LATEST BREAKING PREMIER LEAGUE TRANSFER GOSSIP...

Chelsea defender Alex could depart Stamford Bridge for AC Milan as the Londoners step up their bid to sign Benfica centre-back David Luiz. But then again he may not! Remember where you read it first!!!

Liverpool's bid to sign striker Luis Suarez from Ajax has broken down, according to reports from a couple out shopping somewhere in the Netherlands. Mrs Kuyt said "For sure he is having the second thoughts. Also why do Liverpool need another striker when Dirk is already there?"
Remember where you read it first!!!

Valon Behrami's future at West Ham Utd of Glasgow will become clearer in the next 48 hours after the Swiss international landed in Italy on Monday to undergo a medical at Fiorentina for his proposed move to Panathanaikos in Russia.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Wolfsburg manager Steve McClaren has offered £16m for Liverpool's Milan Jovanovic. Is he MAD!!!
Remember where you read it first!!!

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has confirmed that the club will make an offer for Lille's Eddie Izzard.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Under-pressure Birmingham boss Alex McLeish is set to step up his pursuit of Cardiff striker Jay Bothroyd this week. He has promised beleagured Blues fans that he will start hiding out round the bins at the back of Boothroyd's flat.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Arsenal's Carlos Valderrama is on the verge of joining Valencia after a deal was agreed in London last week, according to reports in Spain. The 42 year old has been languishing in the Arsenal reserves after Wenger allegedly won him in a game of cards.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Everton manager David Moyes has played down speculations linking midfielder Jack Rodwell with a move to Old Trafford. "The fact that Jack Rodwell has undertaken a medical, signed a contract at Old Trafford and played in a behind closed doors fixture for United yesterday proves his commitment to Everton Football Club", the much maligned manager was alleged to have said.
Remember where you read it first!!!


Just days after landing Steven Pienaar, Spurs are looking to continue their raid on Everton by preparing a fresh bid for captain Phil Neville and offload Pienaar to West Ham in exchange for Scott Parker, Carlton Cole and the Olympic Stadium.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Real Madrid's attempts to lure former Manchester United striker Ruud van Nistelrooy back to the Bernabeu have been knocked back by Hamburg, Tottenham Hotspur, Borussia Dortmund & Bayern Munich.
Remember where you read it first!!!

West Ham hope to sign controversial Blackburn striker El Hadji Diouf before the end of the transfer window. Tottenham however, look set to pip the Hammers to his signature
Remember where you read it first!!!

Inter Milan director Marco Branca has revealed that Sevilla striker and long-standing Tottenham target Luis Fabiano could join the Nerazzurri. However, Harry Redknapp reckons that the player is on his way to White Hart Lane.
Remember where you read it first!!!


Tottenham to sign Pele, Cruyff & Maradonna! Tottenham's frugal manager Mr Harry Redknapp has been overheard by some close friends of some insiders at Spurs to be interested in signing three of football's all time greats. A source said, "Harry is a naturally reluctant trader in the transfer market but this time he seems determined to make a big splash for the benefit of the team. It is most definitely not a cheap publicity stunt".

Jingly-jangly Guitar Pop

Where to begin, where to end?

Orange Juice, Josef K, Aztec Camera, The Fire Engines, Haircut 100, Belle & Sebastian, The Coral, The Sand Band and all of those wonderful floppy fringed, trite, twee, innocent, big semi-acoustic playing, stout country brogue wearing,check-shirted C86 bands in between.

The Home of a Thousand Hits

Thank you very much!

My Mum

RIP Jill Franks
5th January 1934 - 5th January 2011

Sports Personality of the Year Show

The Sunday before Christmas and there is only one thing to do, pour a large scotch and sit back and watch the Sports Personality of the Year Show on BBC - consistently the best review of sport!

Great moments: Mohammed Ali getting overseas/all-time greatest sportsman award, Ashes winning team of the year, Redgrave and Pinsent, the list goes on & on!

And somewhere down the line tears are shed at the sheer joy and pain that sport can bring!

And this year's winner is AP McCoy!

Pre-made Sandwiches (M&S preferably)

Aussies don't really do sandwiches that well. Ham, ham & cheese or ham & cheese without the cheese. The seafood options are negligible and as for a vegetarian option - non existent!

What I really want is a West Cornish Crayfish Tail, Russian Tomato and hand-reared Tunisian Cucumber relish with Pomegranate & lemon drizzled wood-fired wholemeal focaccia sliced 97% fat free sandwich!

Honest I do!

Cider

An alcoholic beverage made from Apples. Whatever next? A drink made from grapes?

Mixed with ice (maybe)? As an inherent part of a hot summer day, definitely. Cider has often been considered as the poor cousin of beer and an even more impoverished relative of wine. However, it's a fine drink and another little thing I miss about England.

Favourite Cider?

1. Merrydown Sussex Cider
2. Bulmers
3. Magners
4. Woodpecker

Afternoon Films #1 - The Heroes of Telemark

In the days before football & cricket completely took over my life. I used to love watching the afternoon film. With cold rain crashing down outside and a warm fire inside, I'd lie on the floor and just disappear into the screen.

In 'The Heroes of Telemark', the Norwegian resistance sabotage the Vemork Norsk Hydro plant in the town of Rjukan in the county of Telemark, Norway, which the Nazis are using to produce heavy water to make a nuclear bomb.

Kirk Douglas plays Rolf Pedersen, a Norwegian physics professor, who, though originally content to wait out the war, is soon pulled into the struggle by local resistance leader Knut Straud (based on Knut Haukelid, portrayed by Richard Harris).

They are both smuggled to England to have microfilmed plans of the Hydro examined, and then return to Norway to plan a commando raid on the Hydro. When a force of Royal Engineers, who were to carry it out, are all killed, Petersen and Straud lead a small force of saboteurs into the plant. The raid is successful, but them cursed Germans quickly repair the equipment!

The Nazis then plan to ship tankers of heavy water to Germany. Petersen and Straud sabotage a ferry carrying the tankers, and it sinks in the deepest part of a fjord - Hurrah!

The skiing clips are the thing I remember most. I don't hink I'd ever seen it on film before and despite the fact they didn't use the formal Telemark style (as I subsequently found out when I travelled to Norway and actually learnt how to ski!) it still looked effortlessly cool to me.

Sunday lunchtime in the pub with the papers

It was a BC thing (Before Children). I would wake up late, yet early enough to stock up on the papers. If Chelsea won I'd buy as many as possible (more of a rarity those days and indeed these too!). Normally it would be The Observer & The IoS as staples and then others depending on the news, the mood, the amount I'd had to drink the night before.

Once armed with Fleet Street's finest tittle tattle, it would be a brief stroll, a gentle push and then the pub would be ours. A leisurely couple of hours supping, muttering, thundering or saying nothing. All in all, still the second best way to spend a Sunday.

Coughing fits in the middle of the night

Go to sleep fine, dream dark dreams until... the breath catches and then the coughing, wretching begins. It usually only lasts for a month or so, at springtime. No such thing as uninterrupted sleep.

Yeah, I miss that. Like hell I do.

Frosty mornings

The cold crunch
of boot on snap brittle grass
the skid slide
of brogue on pinkgrey pavement
the sharp gasp
of harsh first light
the raw gulp
of snarling winter air.

A trip to Twickenham

The roar of the Twickenham crowd is normally an unappetising mix of braying and guffawing. However, something different happened this weekend. Not only did the England rugby team turn in what must have been their best performance in over half a decade but the Twickenham crowd actually sounded exuberant! It was a truly wonderful thing to experience - albeit via an Australian telecast!

Normally a trip to HQ begins with a stuffy cramped crawl from Waterloo, surrounded by more Barbour jackets and punchable accents than is good for ones soul. After having spilled out of Twickenham station, the options are try and get a decent pint in any one of the ridiculously packed pubs, pay through the nose from one of the numerous little stands positioned in various, already rather wealthy, back gardens or battle your way past fifty chaps in ill fitting hooped jerseys with letters on their back and after their name.

Once inside the rather impressive ground, the ritual of passing the flask begins (unless you'd rocked up in the car park some 15 hours before for 'a bit of brekkie', then you would be more than familiar with the rather sickly mix of Port & Brandy). The game normally goes by in a blur of trips to the toilet, bar and the general sense that it was all rather nice but wouldn't be even better if England played properly & won.

And lo, it came to pass that England did manage to shrug off their more pragmatic shackles and ripped Australia to tiny pieces. They were magnificent. I only wished I could have been there to see the whole thing unfold and for the post match celebrations of course. I would have even joined in a quick chorus of 'Swing Low', before cramming myself back onto the late night train to town.

However, I was stuck here. In Sydney, Australia with only the rather pleasing prospect of teasing all my Aussie friends and/or colleagues mercilessly - well, at least until the Ashes begin...

Friends

Having just departed the beloved isle of my birth again, I feel it is time to answer the most frequently asked question. What do I miss most about England?

The answer is simple. It is not; The sweet rolling beauty of the South Downs, nor is it the intoxicating roar of the Matthew Harding Stand, Stamford Bridge. Neither is it the hefty clump of leather on willow nor the grim tang of Soho. It isn't irony, sarcasm, wit or wisdom. Not black cabs, red buses or white cliffs.

It is the girl with a bob in the pub on the phone and is it the bloke in his flat with his girl and their cat.So, in case there is any doubt, I spell it out.

Q: What do I miss most about England?
A: My friends.

The Soho Cycle Society

The last bicycle shop in Soho apparently closed a few years ago. It was located at no.36 Great Pulteney Street and was owned and managed by Paulo Garbini. His shop had renderings of two miniature penny-farthing bicycles mounted on the facade and they are the only remaining trace of a fantastic cycling oasis.

When I was cycle courier I would regularly pop in to get new inner tubes, pumps, locks etc and admire the beautiful cycling shirts and wonderful bikes that seemed to hang from the ceiling as if by magic.

Waiting for the train to leave

That was the best thing about living at the end of the line. Waiting for the other half of the train to trundle into the station, you could stroll up and down the corridors, picking up discarded newspapers and unwanted Punkettes! Innocent days...

The Art of Being a Gentleman (Part 7)

Up early, head home. Ease into cold sheets, dream of a distant night in a small club in the heart of a foreign city. I was dressed toe up in raven black mohair, save for Stout brogues, white shirt, dark tie, silver watch and wicked smile. Champagne was cascading from the heavens like an argent waterfall with diamond flecks landing on my by now roughened tongue. I let the high priestess of poesy flutter to a halt and then I rose up onto the bar and declaimed.

The gods in their crumbling citadel wept, the angels of the golden pyramids blushed and the traitors of the devil’s empire plucked out their own eyes in anger. I finished. Dismounted. Ordered another bottle. Flung open the doors, invited the chilly hordes in from the street as I passed them on the stairs.

Soho was empty and my heart was full.

Le Tour de France

What has the Tour de France got to do with England? Lots actually. One of the things I miss about England is Europe! Being able to pop over for a weekend at the drop of a beret.

The Tour shows France in its best light, whether that light is shrouded by striking farmers, clogged up roads, bad driving, good weather, beautiful scenery, amazing wines or not!

The racing itself is astonishing, anyone who has gone down Box Hill without using breaks can testify to the potential danger of cycling - you don't need 250cc of Vespa between your legs to do some serious damage to flesh and bone!

So, all hail the greats: Merckx, Hinault, Indurain, Armstrong and every mad crazy domestique, sprinter, multi-coloured jersey wearing one of them!

Blue Bell Hill

Blue Bell Hill is a chalk hill between Maidstone and Rochester in the English county of Kent. It overlooks the River Medway and is part of the North Downs. Settlements on the hill include Walderslade; and Blue Bell Hill and Kit's Coty villages. During the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries much of the hill was quarried for chalk.

The south west side of Blue Bell Hill is a Site of Special Scientific Interest as it harbours several rare plant species. A picnic area serves as a rest point for walkers on the North Downs Way which runs along the top of the hill whilst the prehistoric trackway of the Pilgrims' Way skirts its foot. A modern crematorium also surmounts the hill as does the Bluebell Hill transmitting station, which comprises five steel lattice towers, each approximately 45–50 metres in height.

The A229 dual carriageway follows the route of a former Roman road and climbs the hill, today linking the M2 and M20 motorways. High Speed 1 also runs beneath the hill, via the North Downs Tunnel, and archaeological work in advance of it uncovered a Neolithic long house on its slopes.

Which is all very nice but I like it most because my Dad loved to go up there and just stare out over the Medway and over to the North Downs.

Poll Result - Condiments

1. Salad Cream
2. HP Sauce
3. Tomato Ketchup

Labour winning elections

It was great, especially in 1997. The Portillo moment etc.

But now...

Poll Result - Breakfast

1. Eggs, Mushrooms, Bacon, Sausage, Toast, Fried Bread, The Works...
2. 4 rounds white toast & marmite
3. Who cares
4. Etc...

Crap new hotels

Complete with a Wi-fi hub and continental options. The Great English Hotel just got a whole lot more sophisticated! Didn't it?

Top 3 Caffs

I know that it is all the rage and everyone seems to be blogging about the best café’s, it’s a bit like stand up comics in the 90’s going on about ‘Spangles’ and ‘Ice Breaker chocolate bars’. But I do miss them, café’s (and Spangles too actually).

Sydney has got one or two fine café’s, not least the magnificent and wonderful Maisy’s on Military Road, Neutral Bay (a stumble down the street from The Oaks!). But that is for another day/another blog. So here are three to be getting on with…

ALFREDO’S
My favourite café was Alfredo’s on Islington Green, where I went for breakfast on my wedding day. Despite the obvious last meal of a condemned man scenario, I always loved the whole brilliant approach to how you got served. “Me Mum’s clocked ya”, were the words you longed to hear.

In all the times I went to Alfredo’s, I never once got short-changed, forgotten, the wrong order, offered an egg-plant on crusty ciabatta, was kept waiting for a seat longer than 10 minutes, could see out of the steamed up windows. It was the ideal place to hide away for mornings on end in a fog of toast and the sports pages.

MACARI’S
At the top of Terminus Road. Macari’s was the place to go before the beach and Macari’s was the place to go after the beach. Two fried egg, two slices, mushrooms, beans, fried bread and a cup of tea. Sit down on the orange seats either with friends or a copy of ‘Moonraker’ and prepare for the joys of sunbathing ahead. When the day was done we’d repair back to Macari’s for a cappuccino and maybe an ice cream or some more toast, the juke box would play ‘Theme from Mantrap’ by ABC and we’d plot and play the evening ahead.

Check out Macari’s at the excellent http://www.classiccafes.co.uk/eastbournespecial.htm

THE SPARTAN
Run by Tony & George. We lived in the Spartan Bar & Grill in the early 80's. Hunched over a coffee for hours on end or demolishing a plate of toast in double time (Giro day!). We spent so much time in their, sitting in the window seats, smoking for England, spilling sugar/coffee and tea all over the table, folding and refolding the serviette’s, bouncing on the brown vinyl seats or just watching the comings and goings at Chaterlands.

We became part of the family almost. A mate moved into the flat over the café, we had poker nights, strange trips, early mornings and lazy afternoons there. We even recorded an album of background music under the name ‘The Blue Curacao’ that they actually played over the tinny sound system. (Track names I can vaguely remember were; ‘Two Coffees please Tony’, ‘Can I pay you next time I’m in’, ‘Hey, get your feet off the seats’ and the epic cocktail jazz psych freak out ‘Spartan Special Grill’!

Footballers as bands

The Battle of the Pun-dits (AKA Deco & the Bunnymen)!

1. Deco & the Bunnymen
2. Jo Division
3. Brian Roy Division!
4. A Certain Raich Carter
5. Rip Giggs & Panic
6. franz RIO ferdinand,
7. the STEVE stone roses,
8. Hawkwind 70's dirge DA SILVA machine
9. Staring at the Ruud van Nistelrooys
10. Torres Amos
11. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Eric Young
12. Nat King Scholes.
13. The Keownly Ones
14. Mark Hughesie and the Banshees.
15. Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Ji-Sung Park
16. Beckenbauerhaus.
17. Everything But Robbie Earle
18. Eminemerson
19. Jean Tiganarama?
20. Van Den Hauwe That's What I Call Music
21. Ian Rush
22. Gillan
23. Scharnhorst Hrubesch...
24. Cafu Fighters
25. Im-Hagi-nation
26. Maradona Summer
27. Zubizaretta James
28. Roberto Carlos Santana...
29. Gilberto Sullivan.
30. Pele-dtron
31. Dugarry Glitter.
32. Youri Bjorkaeff.
33. Louis S-Aha
34. Romario Hara
35. Kanu West.
36. Eto'o-ny Bennett.
37. The Stiles Council
38. Luis Elbow-amorte
39. Rage Against The Maniche
40. Hamilton BoChannon
41. Ocean Colour Gilzean
42. Klinsmannic Street Preachers
43. Rumenniggers With Attitude
44. The Frinks.
45. Robert Fleck of Seagulls
46. Ashley Cole &The Commotions
47. The Jo-Boxers
48. Gerry Francis & The Pacemakers
49. Martin Peters & Franny Lee
50. A guy called Steven Gerrard
51. Tony Adamski
52. Gunther Netzer Ebb
53. Cabaret John Hare
54. Eric B and Jock Stein
55. Ian Wrighteous Brothers
56. Colin Bell & Sebastien
57. Barry Whitesnake
58. Frankie Lampard goes to Hollywood
59. Joe Cole &The Commotions
60. Lee Perry Groves
61. U-Roy Keane
62. I-Roy Hodgson
63. PreFabregas Sprout
64. Ledley King Tubby
65. David Lee Scratch Chris Perry
66. Bananarama and the tierry-hen-ree.
67. Robin Van Persie Sledge
68. Chuck Ribery
69. The Cisse Sisters?
70. The Alan Brezillos?
71. Eric CantoNas
72. Plunky and The Hoeness of Juju
73. The Pretty Frings
74. Dr Feelgudjohnson
75. Trevor Brooking Curtis
76. david Ngohbetweens
77. Gianfranco ZoLa's
78. El Hadj a googoo?
79. Madnessta.
80. Droy Orbison
81. Babyaro-smith
82. Galvin Stardust...
83. Yakubu Radleys.
84. Flamini Lips.
85. Everything Nicky Butt The Girl.
86. Viljoen armatrading.
87. Sprake That.
88. (Arnold) Muhren5
89. Kings of Lionel Messi.
90. Raul About Eve.
91. Tubeway Barmby.
92. Hurst, Quinn and Myhre....
93. Limparliament
94. Kewell & The gang
95. Aztec Kamara
96. john terry - secret affair
97. Niemi Winehouse
98. Giuly London
99. Funkaderic Young
100. Gordon Two Banks of Four
101. Jimmy Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine
102. The Housemartinchivers
103. Brighton & Hove Damon Albarn
104. Ray Wilson Pickett
105. Otis Reading FC
106. Einsturzende warrenbarton
107. A tribe called Gordon West
108. florence and the mel machin(e)
109. curoiusity killed the chris cat(lin)
110. kajayakuba
111. wayne bridge over troubled waters
112. Groove Almunia
113. Jan Venegoor of Hesselinkin Park.
114. Emerson, Paul Lake & Carlton Palmer
115. Musical Djouf
116. Pink Floyd Hasselbank
117. Scott Parker & the Rumour
118. Robert Green Gartside
119. Klaas Jan Miles Huntelaar
120. Taribo Westlife
121. Theatre of Hately
122. Fine Young Alan Balls
123. Alan Smith & Mighty
124. Jan Molby Gees
125. That Petrov Emotion
126. Bert Trautmantronix
127. JJ Okocha Wobble
128. DanZiege
129. ashley young marble giants
130. kid creole and the nigel reo - cokernuts
131. eboue yaa tribe
132. Department Essien
133. The Beautiful Southall
134. Fountains of Wayne
135. Sleepy La Boeuf
136. Maradonna sings Mervynday
137. Bobby Lennox sings Huth that Girl
138. Toni Basil Boli
139. Deutsch-Amerikanische Stefan-Freundschaft
140. Zubizuretta James
141. Kolo Toure BC
142. A Flock of Steve Bulls
143. Nani-na &Frederick
144. Brian Horne-y Horns
145. Bosnich Cave & The Bad Speeds
146. The Lofthouse Family
147. Passarella Fitzgerald
148. Bootsy Collins John
149. Fred Wesley Sneijder
150. Wally Baderooney
151. Lindsey de Paul Ince
152. Ten Cisse
153. Giresse Club Seven
154. Guti Lemper
155. Pak-Do Ik and Tina Turner
156. The Overath of Noise
157. Fashanu kids on the block
158. Peter Marinelly furtado
159. duane edinho
160. Bobby Stokoe Jays
161. Luluther Blisset
162. ShowaddyTotti
163. Jeffers-on Airplane
164. Showaddywaddle
165. Mutu Live Crew
166. Wim Jonkooper Clarke
167. Jimi Hendrixon Etuhu
168. Provan Morrison
169. Vierchowod-ywaddy
170. Magath Brooks
171. Cascarino and Renata
172. Mastadon Givens
173. The Staples Masingas
174. Gerson House
175. Brotherhood Hamman
176. Danny Blind Lemon Jefferson
177. Lauren Blancmange
178. Uwe Sailor
179. Jason Macateer Drop Explodes
180. Bernard Lamahl
181. Chrisperry Ambulance
182. Bob Stokoeholm Monsters
183. Extreme noise.Terry
184. Duranieri Duranieri
185. John Bond Jovi
186. Alec Stock, Roy Aitken & Waterman
187. Brynn Gunns & Roses
188. Felix Magathzine
189. Steve Macmanamanfred Mann
190. T'Pau lo Sousa
191. Sly & Robinho
192. Beyon Seedorf
193. Kiki Dean Saunders
194. Richard Rufus Thomas
195. Michael Ballacker Bilk
196. John Chiedoze, Beaky, Mick & Titch
197. Charlie George Jones
198. Dalglisha Dixon
199. The Undisputed Huth
200. George Graham Central Station
201. Hughes Corporation
202. Bob De Bilde...
203. The Kuqi Crew
204. The Ndlovu Unlimited Orchestra
205. Spackman Turner Overdrive
206. The Three John Scales
207. Tower of Paul Power
208. John Fashanu Model Army
209. Vinnie Jones Girls
210. Bruce GrobbeLast Poets
211. Tommy Steeleye Span
212. Bonzo Dog ADU Dah Band
213. Hermann Hreiðarsson's Hermits
214. Henry Falcao
215. Peters Ball and Narey
216. Heinze Below Zero
217. Muscat Stevens
218. Emmerson Boyce II Men
219. Half Man Half Biscan
220. Olarticoechea-rsay
221. Aldair Supply
222. Ocean Kohler Scene
223. Athletico Spizz Hately
224. This Mortal Owen Coyle
225. Jay Zico
226. Beggar & Kolo Toure
227. Brian Labone Yard
228. Wishbone Ashley Cole
229. Cheb Khal Eder
230. Romario Speedwagon
231. Alex Step Nico
232. Albert ini Kamoze
233. Sukergrass
234. Gloria Deyna
235. Ziege Ziege Sputnik
236. Alienkov Sex Fiend
237. Joe Jordanaires
238. big brother and holding vincent kompany
239. seasick steve perryman
240. The Kevin Beattie Boys
241. Shakin' Gary Stevens
242. John Harley and the Wailers
243. Iggy Papa bouba Diope
244. Stiff Brian Little Fingers
245. Ian Ure & The Blockheads
246. Niall Quinn Lizzy
247. Killing Jokanovic
248. Tony Adams and the Ants
249. Tears for Brian Mears
250. The Ron Futcher sound of London
251. X-Mal Donaghy Deutschland
252. GeorgeBerry Switchblade
253. Paul Robinson Band
254. The Daniel Passarella Roof Orchestra
255. Gilberto y Los trios paranoias
256. Kevin Gallen Drunk
257. PriMalouda Scream
258. PJ David Harvey
259. Red Lorimer Yellow Lorimer
260. Mercury Rivelino
261. Dinosaur Junior
262. The Futcherheads
263. Malcom McLAaron Young
264. Hue & Cruyff
265. Freddie Rinconway Twitty
266. Eartha Kitt Symons
267. Curtiis Schweinstigers
268. Luis Enrique LF
269. The Thomas Berthold Steady
270. Joel Bats For Lashes
271. Lady Burrachagaga
272. The Shangri Lalas
273. The boomtown vasily rats
274. Elvis 'steve' Pressley
275. John 'Neil' Lennon
276. Alexander Martin O'Neal
277. John 'Nigel' Martyn
278. ChumbaMuamba
279. Boy George Best
280. Will.I.an
281. The Alan Clarke 5
282. Claudio Duran DuRannieri
283. Robbie Savages
284. The Whu
285. Stanley Matthews Southern Comfort
286. The Wenger Boys
287. The Ting Ings
288. Kid Creole and Zicoconuts
289. Kevin Gallen Drunk
290. PlasMatic(s)
291. Muzzy Izzet Star
292. Platini Tempah
293. Ross Barkley James Harvest

The original game as nicked by Danny Baker (with our blessing)

Einsturzende Warren Barton in full effect! 

Harveys Best Bitter

Don't get me wrong I'm not one of those CAMRA types (nothing wrong with them, just not me). However, on recent trips back to the UK it seems that the trip isn't complete without a drop of Lewes's finest best bitter.

A sign of old age, maturity, a broader palate, creeping nostalgia or rampant Alcoholism? Who cares?

Decent gig venues

Top ten venues in no particular order.

Ronnie Scotts London
Despite or because of Ronnie’s gags and the very clear instruction to keep quiet during the performances, Ronnie Scotts is/was the very best place to see Jazz played. Intimate and cool at the same time. And when all is played and done you can stumble over the road into the magnificent ‘Bar Italia’.
Best moment – Roy Ayers

Winter Gardens Eastbourne
I went back a couple of years ago to see one of the last ‘Ordinary Boys’ gigs and it seemed smaller than it was when I saw The Jam play there in 1977! That being said, it is still a classic venue with plenty of room to pogo (oh yes!)
Best moment – Weller and Foxton leaping into outer space during ‘Batman’

Town & Country Club London (as was)
Deep in the heart of sunny Kentish Town. The Town & Country was/is a great mid sized venue. Seen plenty of cracking bands and the sound was always good.
Best moment – During an early Weller solo set, he launched into ‘Town Called Malice’ for the first time in years and the whole place erupted, even John Weller punched the air in delight by the mixing desk.

Top Rank Brighton
Hot sweaty and sticky, the perfect place for two-tone tours and other assorted madness
Best moment – Being knocked backwards by the force of the Dexy’s horn section.

The Leadmill Sheffield
Another ideal gig venue with excellent DJ’s and a chips and gravy stand outside.
Best moment – Trouble Funk dropping the bomb on the South-East Krew

The Central Library Eastbourne
Home to Hip Troop, hippies, hipsters and poets.
Best moment – Pete Hands/Stormcrow playing the first chord of the night on his Wurlitzer and the clock falling from the wall and smashing to pieces.

The Basement Brighton
Dank and dingy, long coats definitely essential.
Best moment – ACR bringing the funk

Brixton Academy London
Whether packed to the brim for The Pogues and Nick Cave or sparsely populated for the Paul Weller Movement. A great venue with good acoustics and vantage points.
Best moment – Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds testifying!

Hammersmith Palais London
Apart from lending its name to one of the best songs ever written. Just about the perfect venue, if only it wasn’t in bloody Hammersmith. A million times better than the Apollo.
Best moment – ‘If Adolf Hitler flew in today, they’d send a limousine anyway’ oh er sorry. The Jam on my birthday playing ‘Precious’ for the first time.

Queens Wood Muswell Hill London
From a musicians point of view. Being able to sit on a fallen tree and strum away to my heart’s content deep in the heart of the woods, with central London less than 5 miles away. Nothing better!
Best moment – Playing ‘The Last Wave’ to two kids, two dogs and a couple of joggers. It’s a HIT!

Blogging

The company I work for have put a firewall/block on anybody blogging from the office hence the reason it has been so quiet. However, I have resolved to right wrongs and write long! So, I now commit to blog a minimum of once a week (holidays and writers block permitting)!

The things that happen when you forget...

You don't blog, you miss dinner and you forget the deep humbling joy of England:

On the beach at Birling Gap, in the beer garden at Jevington, walking out of Sloane Square tube, (getting a cab & travelling on buses), peering out of low slung south coast bedsits, scrabbling for cigarettes, roaring on the Blues and missing your mates...

Poll Results - Football Songs

Unanimous decison.

1 (& Only) - Boring, boring Arsenal!

The Old Coffee House Book Club

Met on a daily basis
welcomed new and old faces
always plenty of spaces
a Beak St cultural oasis

Poll Results - Jazz Funk Combos

1: Incognito
2: Southern Freeze
3: Light of the World
4: Beggar & Co.

Everybody screeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaammmmmm! Whoop Whoop

The Wag Club - Jazz Rooms

Opposite The Blue Posts at the foot of Wardour Street. The Jazz Rooms at The Wag (Whiskey a Go-Go) every monday night, with Paul Murphy DJ'ing. We used to get the train up from the coast. Aided and abetted by Jack and Billy. We used to head into the heart of Soho, with one thing and one thing alone on our minds. Dancing!

Whether it was to Be Bop, Samba, Mambo, Swing, Lonnie Liston Smith, Art Blakey, John Coltrane or Milton Nascimento. The dancing was the thing! Suited and booted or hanging in Bretton, Hawaiian or Viyella shirts with big E Levi's and brogues. It was all about the dancing!

And when Murphy played the final tune we'd spin out of the door and stumble through the trash strewn streets back to Victoria, the milk train, Eastbourne and finally bed! Totally exhausted but totally free...

Jazz Funk & Soul Boys

Growing up on the South Coast in the early eighties the various youth tribes that fought for recognition were innumerable. Mods, Punks, Teds, Rockers, Soul Boys, Rockabilly's, Hep Catz, Jazzers, Betaniks, Skinheads, Suedeheads, Funketeers & even Heavy Metal. Most of the various groups would crossover at some stage.

The Soul Boys were always pretty cool with their fantastic wedge haircuts, kung fu shoes, slim belts and big baggy pegs. They also danced really well with some cool steps later borrowed by Be-Bop Boy, Mods and Katz alike.

The music (although sometimes inclined to border on ambling and tedious virtuosity) took the listener to new places; hard bop, samba, latin and of course Tha' Funk! Great days at Caister, London Zoo and even Eastbourne Pier.

Yowsa! Yowsa! Yowsa!

Poll Result - Favourite City

1. London
2. Rome
3. Sydney

A surprise result there for London!!

Ashes Victory Celebrations

Yesssss!!!!!!!!!!!

In the pubs and streets of South London, fuelled by joy, exhileration and a couple of rather pleasing bottles of crispy white wine. The celebrations went on, long into the night. E-mailing long lost Aussie buddies, texting 'til the network collapses.

Ricky Ponting, Dame Edna Everage, Kylie Minogue, Kevin Rudd, Nicole Kidman, Rolf Harris, Nick Cave, John Eales, Jono Coleman, Ned Kelly your boys took one helluva beating!!

And that was just in 2005! Sweet, wonderful and thoroughly deserved victory!

Carnaby Street

Not what it used to be

The Small Faces no longer run up exorbitant debts in Lord John's. The Jam no longer play opposite the Marlborough and you can no longer shop in the Carnaby Cavern for the finest red & black polka dot shirts this side of Regent Street.

The only thing left to marvel at are the massive snowmen that should have melted months ago.

Poll Results - Favourite Live venue

1. Medium sized venue
2. Festival
3. Sweaty Club

So, there you have it!

CND Marches

Ambling through the streets of London urging 'Maggie, Maggie, maggie, Out! Out! Out! It was the sound of a gentle protest to a lilting reggae beat, the chance to marvel at the crusties and the hepcats getting together to protest at the prospect of being blown to kingdom come! Brockwell Park/Trafalgar Square. More booze, no Cruise!

The Goose Steps Out

Set during World War II, The Goose Steps Out recounts the adventures of William Potts (Will Hay) after it is discovered that he is an exact double of a German spy who the British have just captured. Potts is flown into Nazi Germany to impersonate the spy and instructed to seek out and bring back details of a new German secret weapon.

On arrival, however, Potts is placed in charge of a group of apparently rabidly-fascist young students who are being trained to work as spies in England. Potts attempts to undermine this by convincing the youngsters that the proper British way of saluting a great leader is to apply the V-sign, which they therefore do repeatedly and enthusiastically in the direction of a portrait of the Führer. At a function where he hopes to gather information about the weapon (a gasfire bomb), Potts succeeds only in getting blind drunk and admitting that he is a British agent. Luckily, his class of Nazi youths turn out to be sympathetic Austrians and they help him obtain the secret he seeks. Potts and his new friends eventually commandeer a plane and fly back to England, crashing in a tree outside the War Office in London.

Passport to Pimlico

Blimey, I'm a foreigner.

A bomb left over from the Second World War blows up in Miramont Gardens in the Pimlico district of London after some local children roll a tractor tyre down a hole. The explosion reveals a buried cellar from the manor house that gave Miramont Gardens its name, in which artwork, coins, jewellery and an ancient parchment document are found. Professor Hatton-Jones (Margaret Rutherford) authenticates it as a royal charter of Edward IV that ceded the house its estates to Charles VII ("the Rash"), the last Duke of Burgundy, when he sought refuge there several centuries ago after being presumed dead at the Battle of Nancy. As the charter had never been revoked, Pimlico is legally part of Burgundy. Local policeman P.C. Spiller (Philip Stainton) observes, "Blimey! I'm a foreigner!"

The British government has no legal jurisdiction and requires the Burgundians to form a committee according to the laws of the long-defunct dukedom before negotiating with them. Ancient Burgundian law requires that the Duke himself appoint a council. Without one, all seems lost - until a young man from Dijon (Paul Dupuis) steps forward and proves that he is the heir to the dukedom. He duly forms a governing body; one of its members is the shrewd shopkeeper Arthur Pemberton (Stanley Holloway).

Very quickly, Burgundy (followed soon after by the rest of London) realises that it is not subject to post-war rationing and other bureaucratic restrictions, and the district is quickly flooded with entrepreneurs, crooks and eager shoppers. A noisy free-for-all ensues, which Spiller, the Chief (and only) Constable of Burgundy, finds himself unable to handle. Then the British authorities close the "border" with barbed wire. Having left England without their passports, the bargain hunters have trouble returning home - as one policeman replies to an indignant woman, "Don't blame me Madam, if you choose to go abroad to do your shopping."

The Burgundians decide that two can play this game and stop an underground train dead in its tracks. "The train is now at the Burgundy frontier." explains an agent of the newly formed customs and excise department. They proceed to ask the passengers if they have anything to declare.

The infuriated British government retaliates by breaking off negotiations. Burgundy is isolated, like post-war Berlin, and the residents are invited to "immigrate" to England. But the Burgundians are "a fighting people" and, though the children are evacuated, the adults stand fast. As Mrs. Pemberton (Betty Warren) puts it, "We've always been English and we'll always be English; and it's precisely because we are English that we're sticking up for our right to be Burgundians!"

Pimlico is cut off from electricity, food and water (though there's plenty of gin and crisps). The water problem is solved by a covert raid late one night, refilling the reservoir with hoses attached to the nearest fire hydrant on the British side of the border. Unfortunately, the food supply is spoiled when the cellar where it is being stored becomes flooded, and it appears that the Burgundians are beaten. Just in time, three Burgundian youngsters learn about this crisis and toss food across the border, setting an example for sympathetic Londoners; they begin throwing food parcels across the barrier in an improvised "airlift", echoing the one that ended the Berlin Blockade. Soon, others get into the act. A helicopter drops a hose to deliver milk. Even swine are parachuted in (possibly a reference to the expression "when pigs fly").

Meanwhile, the government comes under public pressure to resolve the problem. It becomes clear to the bumbling British diplomats assigned to find a solution, Gregg (Basil Radford) and Straker (Naunton Wayne) (Better known as cricket loving Charters & Caldicott), that defeating the Burgundians would be no easy task, so they decide to negotiate. The sticking point turns out to be the disposition of the unearthed treasure. At last, the local banker (Raymond Huntley) hits upon a novel solution: "A Burgundian loan to Britain!"

With negotiations successfully concluded, an outdoor banquet is prepared to welcome Burgundy back into the fold. Just as Big Ben strikes the hour of reunification, the Burgundians realise they truly are back in England, when the clouds part after a loud clap of thunder, and the heat wave is brought to a swift end by a torrential downpour, sending everyone scurrying for cover.

Quotes
Connie Pemberton:

We always were English and we'll always be English, and it's precisely because we are English that we're sticking up for our right to be Burgundians!

50 gigs...

The rules. List the first 50 acts that come into your head. An act you saw at a festival and opening acts count, but only if you can't think of 50 other artists. Oh, and you must include the first gig you ever saw...

1. The Jam – Winter gardens Eastbourne 1977. About 50 people there. Have subsequently met about 1000 who said they were.
2. Bob Marley & the Wailers – Brighton Conference Centre. Overwhelming smell of… something herbal.
3. Nick Cave & Bad Seeds – Brixton Academy 2004. The preacher man was in town and the girl next to me tried to kiss me.
4. A Certain Ratio – 2nd Womad. The birth of the Barmy Army ACR army and trying to instigate the ‘Dashing White Sergeant’ as a new dance move.
5. Slim Gaillard – The Wag Club, my best man ended up on stage singing the encore with him.
6. Weekend – The Escape Club, Brighton. Alison Statton very shy and Simon Booth’s big orange Gretsch.
7. New Order – The Basement, Brighton. One of their earliest gigs. Lots of very long coats and even longer stares.
8. Orange Juice – Victoria. Edwyn Collins in lovely checked shirt absolutely mangled ‘In a nutshell’.
9. The Fall – 2nd Womad. MES on stage at lunchtime, stopped ‘Gut of the Quantifier’ three times to berate the drummer.
10. Toumani Diabate – Sydney Opera House 2009. I didn’t know he had had polio as a kid until I saw his bright green walking stick. I also didn’t know music could be so sublime.
11. 23 Skiddoo – 1st Womad. In the Balinese/Gamelan tent playing an impromptu gig, moving away from the funk.
12. The Clash – Hastings Pier 1978. The opening rush of the band to the front of the stage for ‘Safe European Homes’ made the whole audience take a step back.
13. Siouxsie & the Banshees – Hastings Pier 1977. Pre-split, searing guitar, scary lady!
14. Gang of Four – Barbican 2006. A vibrant run through of ‘Entertainment’ although sounded a lot like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers at one stage (oh the irony!)
15. Madness – Luna Park, Sydney 2009 One step Beyond… cue 3,000 poms about to go mental
16. The Who – Wembley Stadium 1979. Look at those old blokes on stage. F’in hippies.
17. The Birthday Party – The Richmond, Brighton. I don’t think that band like us!
18. John Cooper Clarke, The Basement, Sydney 2007. Kept his poetry in a Tesco carrier bag.
19. Beggar – The Archery, Eastbourne. A welsh mod band. They went round all the various pubs in Eastbourne to drum up support. We all then walked to The Archery, raucous set and 6 pints of Harveys equalled a very good night.
20. Teardrop Explodes – Jenkinsons, Brighton. Met Julian Cope in toilets, eyes like saucepan lids and flight jacket on, the true Copey experience.
21. Scritti Politti – The Tate Gallery Garden 2006. Stage front, having lugged cricket gear up from Brighton and blagged way into VIP area. Nicked one of Green’s plectrums.
22. Arctic Monkeys – Hordern Pavillion, Sydney 2009. Worryingly rockist tendencies beginning to emerge from Sheffield’s finest.
23. The Beat - 1st Womad. A brilliant sunshine music gig. Having previously spent the day playing football with Dave Wakeling, Ranking Roger and the Drummers from Burundi (Tip: When playing the D from B, keep it on the deck!).
24. Paul Weller – BBC Theatre at Broadcasting House. Gary Crowley in the audience. Paulo Hewitt too (ahh, those were the days)
25. The Hip Troop – Diplocks, Eastbourne 1983. A punk version of Boyhood sent the punters home happy.
26. Echo & the Bunnymen – Top Rank, Brighton 1982. Drummer Pete DeFreitas was at front of stage left. Only time I’ve ever seen that.
27. Sade – Heaven 1984. The trendiest gig ever, also one of the worst musically.
28. Animal Nightlife – Cinema, Brixton 80’s. Likewise trendy mo-fo’s everywhere, music better though Andy Polaris (real name?) couldn’t sing for a toffee!
29. Trouble Funk – Leadmill, Sheffield 80’s. Went up from South Coast with Tom and the South East Krew dropped the bomb!
30. Marcus Valle – Sydney Opera House 2008. Sweet Samba sounds. MV dressed in true beach bum style.
31. Gary Glitter – De la Warr Gardens, Bexhill 1973. Only saw him play three songs then had to get train home.
32. Supergrass – Paris 2004. Went by myself, drank loads, chatted to a girl from Normandy, very pleasant evening.
33. The Prisoners – Town & Country Club 2002. A reunion gig for the Medways modsters. Much fun had by all.
34. Aztec Camera – The Escape Club, Brighton early 80’s. ‘The Boy Wonders’ dedicated to ‘The Eastbourne Boys’.
35. The Pop Group – CND March, Trafalgar Square 1980. Jerusalem echoing out around the Square and cans upon cans of Tiger Beer.
36. Madonna – Wembley, early 90’s. An absolute nightmare.
37. Rod Stewart - Wembley, early 90’s. Even worse.
38. Prince – Earls Court, early 90’s. Arrived late, left early, marriage very nearly didn’t happen.
39. Rip, Rig & Panic - Sussex University 1984. Man those cats were crazy, all very loose limbed. Mark Springer was magnificent.
40. The Specials – Top Rank, Brighton 1980. A real sense of menace filled the venue, amazing gig, pleased to get out alive!
41. The Slits – The Celtic Club, Sydney 2008. Ari Up prancing around in multi-coloured lycra. All very sad and disappointing.
42. Dexy’s Midnight Runners – Royal Festival Hall, London 2005. A reunion gig, still in fine voice but decidedly camp mini theatrics mid-set recalled dubious dress appearance at Reading.
43. Pet Shop Boys – V Festival, Sydney 2008. Chris Lowe ‘singing’ Paninaro and a big heffelump of an Aussie woman breaking my big toe.
44. Teenbeats – Hastings Pier 1979. Sleeping underneath Hastings Pier after gig.
45. Graham Coxon – HMV, Oxford Street 2006. Found a copy of ‘Democrazy’ the Damon Albarn rare solo album in the racks. Coxon looked cool.
46. Geno Washington – Colne Community Centre, Lancashire 2004. The most pitiful sight possible. Geno and a heavy metal guitarist covering his classics.
47. Bob Dylan – Sydney Entertainment Centre 2008. Despite only being able to see Dylan’s back hunched over keyboards for the whole of the gig. He was actually quite good.
48. Roddy Frame – University College, London 2006. So pissed I couldn’t even sit up straight, very embarrassing.
49. The Freds – Manly Aquarium 2009. The fish racing round the tanks first clockwise and then on some silent signal, anti-clockwise.
50. The Smiths – Sussex University 1984. Gladioli everywhere, Johnny Marr officially the coolest man on earth. Nearly missed last train.

Poll Result - Favourite London Premiership Team

A shock result

1. Chelsea
2. West Ham United
3. Fulham

Newhaven Ferry

Slow, lumbering, smelly, floor awash with vomit and beer. The Newhaven ferry to Dieppe, left at 10 am & 10 pm every day. A cantankerous crew, irritated truckers (all that Sulphate would keep them buzzing ‘round the deck for the length of the four hour journey), school trips (on the morning run), cheapskate Eurorailers (in the evening) and a clutch of low-fi hipsters heading for Dieppe and then the bright lights of Montmatre.

We used to take the night trip more often than not (10 quid cheaper). Fuelled on cheap lager, we’d get the train via Lewes and manage to slink on board about 10 minutes before departure. Although one particularly snowbound journey led to a 12 hour wait in ‘The Last Pub in England’. Plenty of opportunity to spend all remaining holiday money on toasted cheese sandwiches.

The rusting, lilting Transmanche ferries, take ages to do anything – not least open up the bars. A couple of lagers and only a bloody Toblerone to keep us company as we ease out of the alternative ‘gateway to the South’, so farewell to the fort, the River Ouse and Seven Sisters… Onwards, rolling onwards to France, Europe, the World!

When we finally got to the other side, tired, wet, cold and not a tad seasick. We’d be herded onto the docks and onto the trains (snatched memories of different mpre sinister circumstances) and then head off for Paris. All the while very conscious of the lingering smell of Newhaven – vomit & beer!

Poll Results - Gentlemen's Shoes

1. Stout Brogues (no surprise)
2. Chelsea Boots
3. Bass Weejuns

The Art of being an English Gentleman (Part 6)

Wake up early in a large four poster bed with a flighty young poppet called Caresse curled up at my feet. Lean over the prone form of a gorgeous young red head (name not given) and neck vast goblet of Vodka Champagne from previous night.

The tattoo on my chest reminds me where, when and with whom I should be. Ease out of sheets, pad to chair, pop on finest tweeds, subtle checked shirt and finest stout brogues. Kiss both lovelies on nape, gun another Vodka Champagne and head out into the dawn. Drive like the wind. Get home late, slip into empty bed, nurse a slight hangover and a serious drink. Go to sleep drunk...

Tate Modern

A pile of bricks, a bastardised tube map, an expensive members bar, a view over the river to St Pauls Cathedral.

Love it!

Jerusalem by William Blake

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen?


And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark Satanic mills?


Bring me my bow of burning gold:
Bring me my arrows of desire:
Bring me my spear: O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire.


I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.