Top of the Dadaists - Poll Result

1. Hans/Jean Arp & Francis Picabia
3. Kurt Schwitters & Tristan Tzara
z. Klaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnggggg!!

A day of dAda Art

Sure, there are a few galleries down here. They are scattered quite nicely around the city but...

It is not quite the same as disappearing off into London and hanging out in the Tate (Britain or Modern, I'm not proud) or any of the other wonderful galleries. Turning the corner to find a Schwitters, Tazara, Arp or Picabia slumped against a wall, nailed to the ceiling or melting silently in a ball of fire and ice!

Whoooooooooooooopppppppppppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

Poll Results - Jingly-jangly

And the winners are:

1. Orange Juice
2. The Smiths
3. Aztec Camera

Oh yes!

The death of the art of flirting

It was last Tuesday that the art of flirting finally bit the dust, a final coy remark and that was it. Gone. It would be easy (and probably incorrect) to blame the demise of the gentle flirt on ‘Political Correctness’ gone mad, the rise of computer games, the antics of Messrs Gray & Keys or any other of the hundred thousand excuses people trot out at times like these.

Perhaps the fact is, people just don't have the time, the inclination and most importantly the skills required to flirt any more. The art of having one conversation whilst so obviously having a completley different one at the same time with the same person has been lost.

So, for the purpose of historical accuracy I shall recount the moment that flirting died...

In a bar in Sydney, a young man of no more than 23 managed to catch the eye of the young girl serving. He ordered a beer and opened up a charming dialogue which culminated in him offering to buy the young lady a drink too.

"No thanks, can't" she replied. He looked her in the eye and then down at his own drink. "My loss..." he said and walked straight out of the bar, leaving his cold drink on the bar. She looked bemused for a second and then swiftly polished off the drink he'd left behind before popping the glass in the dishwasher.

Meanwhile, outside the bar the young man looked back in through the window as she wiped her mouth on the back of her hand.

The Premier League Transfer rumours - LATEST

All the news with the truth taken out, right here, right now!

Chelsea are attempting to stage a massive transfer coup with a dramatic £50m bid for Liverpool striker Fernando Torres.
Truth rating - 100%

Tottenham are ready to make a second bid to snatch Everton skipper Phil Neville before Monday's transfer deadline. They have parked an unmarked van outside Everton's training ground and hope to distract him with one of those pens with a girl and a bikini that disappears when you tilt it upside down!
Truth rating - 42.5%

Days after inspiring Birmingham City to a place in the Carling Cup final, striker Nikola Zigic could be about to go on loan to Aston Villa.
Truth rating - 0.2%

Meanwhile, Birmingham are making a £2.5m bid for Aston Villa central defender Curtis Davies after ruling out offloading winger Sebastian Larsson in a player-plus cash swap deal. they have also put in a bid for Gerard Houllier as a back up for their reserve team coach Tony Hadley (former lead singer in Spandau Ballet).
Truth rating - 94%

Sunderland have turned their attention to New Zealand Rugby Union Star/Boxer/former Rugby League player, Sonny Bill Williams as they look to replace Darren Bent. SBW's representatives are said to be very interested in a lucrative signing on fee.
Truth rating - 5%

Fulham are looking to buy Spurs midfielder Nico Kranjcar after a deal to buy winger Shaun Wright-Phillips from Manchester City falls through. Mark Hughes said "Nico scores quite highly in Scrabble even against SWP, so we'll look to get him on the board."
Truth rating - 20%

Brazilian forward Lucas Piazon has turned down a move to Chelsea in favour of Juventus. Which is funny because Chelsea have never even heard of him.
Truth rating - 20%

ELSEWHERE IN OTHER GOSSIP
Manchester United could be looking to Lyon's French international goalkeeper Monsieur Hulot as a long-term replacement for Edwin van der Sar, who will retire at the end of the season.
Truth rating - 34%

Blackpool chairman Karl Oyston has told the Premier League: "Maybe you should pick our team," after the club are fined £25,00 for fielding a weakened side. However, given the Premier League's track record Oyston might be better off inviting people who know something about football.
Truth rating - 34%

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard says Kenny Dalglish has got the Reds winning again by putting a smile back on the players' faces. "The Gaffa does a cracking impersonation of Smithy out of Gavin & Stacey, he has us in stitches like".
Truth rating - 98%

Currently out of work former Fulham boss Chris Coleman believes the return to action of striker Bobby Zamora and forward Moussa Dembele can lift the club up the table. He also believes that the Pope might be a Roman Catholic and that Bears are fond of wood based toilet facilties.
Truth rating - 6%

Midfielder Jack Wilshere was last night told he represents "the future" of England as manager Fabio Capello revealed his new tactical masterplan is based on the Arsenal teenager.
Truth rating - 5%

AND FINALLY
In response to Qatar based TV channel Al Jazeera expressing interest in wanting to snap up former Sky Sports football presenters Richard Keys and Andy Gray. Shameless rumours that Al Qaeda have also expressed a desire to meet with the two pundits to share their views on women's role in the game are absolutely untrue.
Truth rating - 100%

The Premier League Transfer Window - Latest news

The stuff, the nonsense, the hue & cry, the complete and utter non-sensical bladerdash of the English Transfer window - I love it!

LATEST BREAKING PREMIER LEAGUE TRANSFER GOSSIP...

Chelsea defender Alex could depart Stamford Bridge for AC Milan as the Londoners step up their bid to sign Benfica centre-back David Luiz. But then again he may not! Remember where you read it first!!!

Liverpool's bid to sign striker Luis Suarez from Ajax has broken down, according to reports from a couple out shopping somewhere in the Netherlands. Mrs Kuyt said "For sure he is having the second thoughts. Also why do Liverpool need another striker when Dirk is already there?"
Remember where you read it first!!!

Valon Behrami's future at West Ham Utd of Glasgow will become clearer in the next 48 hours after the Swiss international landed in Italy on Monday to undergo a medical at Fiorentina for his proposed move to Panathanaikos in Russia.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Wolfsburg manager Steve McClaren has offered £16m for Liverpool's Milan Jovanovic. Is he MAD!!!
Remember where you read it first!!!

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has confirmed that the club will make an offer for Lille's Eddie Izzard.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Under-pressure Birmingham boss Alex McLeish is set to step up his pursuit of Cardiff striker Jay Bothroyd this week. He has promised beleagured Blues fans that he will start hiding out round the bins at the back of Boothroyd's flat.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Arsenal's Carlos Valderrama is on the verge of joining Valencia after a deal was agreed in London last week, according to reports in Spain. The 42 year old has been languishing in the Arsenal reserves after Wenger allegedly won him in a game of cards.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Everton manager David Moyes has played down speculations linking midfielder Jack Rodwell with a move to Old Trafford. "The fact that Jack Rodwell has undertaken a medical, signed a contract at Old Trafford and played in a behind closed doors fixture for United yesterday proves his commitment to Everton Football Club", the much maligned manager was alleged to have said.
Remember where you read it first!!!


Just days after landing Steven Pienaar, Spurs are looking to continue their raid on Everton by preparing a fresh bid for captain Phil Neville and offload Pienaar to West Ham in exchange for Scott Parker, Carlton Cole and the Olympic Stadium.
Remember where you read it first!!!

Real Madrid's attempts to lure former Manchester United striker Ruud van Nistelrooy back to the Bernabeu have been knocked back by Hamburg, Tottenham Hotspur, Borussia Dortmund & Bayern Munich.
Remember where you read it first!!!

West Ham hope to sign controversial Blackburn striker El Hadji Diouf before the end of the transfer window. Tottenham however, look set to pip the Hammers to his signature
Remember where you read it first!!!

Inter Milan director Marco Branca has revealed that Sevilla striker and long-standing Tottenham target Luis Fabiano could join the Nerazzurri. However, Harry Redknapp reckons that the player is on his way to White Hart Lane.
Remember where you read it first!!!


Tottenham to sign Pele, Cruyff & Maradonna! Tottenham's frugal manager Mr Harry Redknapp has been overheard by some close friends of some insiders at Spurs to be interested in signing three of football's all time greats. A source said, "Harry is a naturally reluctant trader in the transfer market but this time he seems determined to make a big splash for the benefit of the team. It is most definitely not a cheap publicity stunt".

Jingly-jangly Guitar Pop

Where to begin, where to end?

Orange Juice, Josef K, Aztec Camera, The Fire Engines, Haircut 100, Belle & Sebastian, The Coral, The Sand Band and all of those wonderful floppy fringed, trite, twee, innocent, big semi-acoustic playing, stout country brogue wearing,check-shirted C86 bands in between.

The Home of a Thousand Hits

Thank you very much!

My Mum

RIP Jill Franks
5th January 1934 - 5th January 2011

Sports Personality of the Year Show

The Sunday before Christmas and there is only one thing to do, pour a large scotch and sit back and watch the Sports Personality of the Year Show on BBC - consistently the best review of sport!

Great moments: Mohammed Ali getting overseas/all-time greatest sportsman award, Ashes winning team of the year, Redgrave and Pinsent, the list goes on & on!

And somewhere down the line tears are shed at the sheer joy and pain that sport can bring!

And this year's winner is AP McCoy!

Pre-made Sandwiches (M&S preferably)

Aussies don't really do sandwiches that well. Ham, ham & cheese or ham & cheese without the cheese. The seafood options are negligible and as for a vegetarian option - non existent!

What I really want is a West Cornish Crayfish Tail, Russian Tomato and hand-reared Tunisian Cucumber relish with Pomegranate & lemon drizzled wood-fired wholemeal focaccia sliced 97% fat free sandwich!

Honest I do!

Cider

An alcoholic beverage made from Apples. Whatever next? A drink made from grapes?

Mixed with ice (maybe)? As an inherent part of a hot summer day, definitely. Cider has often been considered as the poor cousin of beer and an even more impoverished relative of wine. However, it's a fine drink and another little thing I miss about England.

Favourite Cider?

1. Merrydown Sussex Cider
2. Bulmers
3. Magners
4. Woodpecker

Afternoon Films #1 - The Heroes of Telemark

In the days before football & cricket completely took over my life. I used to love watching the afternoon film. With cold rain crashing down outside and a warm fire inside, I'd lie on the floor and just disappear into the screen.

In 'The Heroes of Telemark', the Norwegian resistance sabotage the Vemork Norsk Hydro plant in the town of Rjukan in the county of Telemark, Norway, which the Nazis are using to produce heavy water to make a nuclear bomb.

Kirk Douglas plays Rolf Pedersen, a Norwegian physics professor, who, though originally content to wait out the war, is soon pulled into the struggle by local resistance leader Knut Straud (based on Knut Haukelid, portrayed by Richard Harris).

They are both smuggled to England to have microfilmed plans of the Hydro examined, and then return to Norway to plan a commando raid on the Hydro. When a force of Royal Engineers, who were to carry it out, are all killed, Petersen and Straud lead a small force of saboteurs into the plant. The raid is successful, but them cursed Germans quickly repair the equipment!

The Nazis then plan to ship tankers of heavy water to Germany. Petersen and Straud sabotage a ferry carrying the tankers, and it sinks in the deepest part of a fjord - Hurrah!

The skiing clips are the thing I remember most. I don't hink I'd ever seen it on film before and despite the fact they didn't use the formal Telemark style (as I subsequently found out when I travelled to Norway and actually learnt how to ski!) it still looked effortlessly cool to me.

Sunday lunchtime in the pub with the papers

It was a BC thing (Before Children). I would wake up late, yet early enough to stock up on the papers. If Chelsea won I'd buy as many as possible (more of a rarity those days and indeed these too!). Normally it would be The Observer & The IoS as staples and then others depending on the news, the mood, the amount I'd had to drink the night before.

Once armed with Fleet Street's finest tittle tattle, it would be a brief stroll, a gentle push and then the pub would be ours. A leisurely couple of hours supping, muttering, thundering or saying nothing. All in all, still the second best way to spend a Sunday.

Coughing fits in the middle of the night

Go to sleep fine, dream dark dreams until... the breath catches and then the coughing, wretching begins. It usually only lasts for a month or so, at springtime. No such thing as uninterrupted sleep.

Yeah, I miss that. Like hell I do.

Frosty mornings

The cold crunch
of boot on snap brittle grass
the skid slide
of brogue on pinkgrey pavement
the sharp gasp
of harsh first light
the raw gulp
of snarling winter air.

A trip to Twickenham

The roar of the Twickenham crowd is normally an unappetising mix of braying and guffawing. However, something different happened this weekend. Not only did the England rugby team turn in what must have been their best performance in over half a decade but the Twickenham crowd actually sounded exuberant! It was a truly wonderful thing to experience - albeit via an Australian telecast!

Normally a trip to HQ begins with a stuffy cramped crawl from Waterloo, surrounded by more Barbour jackets and punchable accents than is good for ones soul. After having spilled out of Twickenham station, the options are try and get a decent pint in any one of the ridiculously packed pubs, pay through the nose from one of the numerous little stands positioned in various, already rather wealthy, back gardens or battle your way past fifty chaps in ill fitting hooped jerseys with letters on their back and after their name.

Once inside the rather impressive ground, the ritual of passing the flask begins (unless you'd rocked up in the car park some 15 hours before for 'a bit of brekkie', then you would be more than familiar with the rather sickly mix of Port & Brandy). The game normally goes by in a blur of trips to the toilet, bar and the general sense that it was all rather nice but wouldn't be even better if England played properly & won.

And lo, it came to pass that England did manage to shrug off their more pragmatic shackles and ripped Australia to tiny pieces. They were magnificent. I only wished I could have been there to see the whole thing unfold and for the post match celebrations of course. I would have even joined in a quick chorus of 'Swing Low', before cramming myself back onto the late night train to town.

However, I was stuck here. In Sydney, Australia with only the rather pleasing prospect of teasing all my Aussie friends and/or colleagues mercilessly - well, at least until the Ashes begin...

Friends

Having just departed the beloved isle of my birth again, I feel it is time to answer the most frequently asked question. What do I miss most about England?

The answer is simple. It is not; The sweet rolling beauty of the South Downs, nor is it the intoxicating roar of the Matthew Harding Stand, Stamford Bridge. Neither is it the hefty clump of leather on willow nor the grim tang of Soho. It isn't irony, sarcasm, wit or wisdom. Not black cabs, red buses or white cliffs.

It is the girl with a bob in the pub on the phone and is it the bloke in his flat with his girl and their cat.So, in case there is any doubt, I spell it out.

Q: What do I miss most about England?
A: My friends.

The Soho Cycle Society

The last bicycle shop in Soho apparently closed a few years ago. It was located at no.36 Great Pulteney Street and was owned and managed by Paulo Garbini. His shop had renderings of two miniature penny-farthing bicycles mounted on the facade and they are the only remaining trace of a fantastic cycling oasis.

When I was cycle courier I would regularly pop in to get new inner tubes, pumps, locks etc and admire the beautiful cycling shirts and wonderful bikes that seemed to hang from the ceiling as if by magic.

Waiting for the train to leave

That was the best thing about living at the end of the line. Waiting for the other half of the train to trundle into the station, you could stroll up and down the corridors, picking up discarded newspapers and unwanted Punkettes! Innocent days...