There is some good music out there... 49 Albums of 2023

 

A Certain Ratio	1982
Benefits	Nails
Billy Sullivan	Paper Dreams
Blur	The Ballad Of Darren (Deluxe)
Creation Rebel	Hostile Environment
CTMF	Failure Not Success
Dave Rowntree	Radio Songs
Dexys	The Feminine Divine
Duncan Reid and the Big Heads	And It's Goodbye From Him
Everything But the Girl	Fuse
French Boutik	Ce Je Ne Sais Quoi
Gareth Sager	Maelstrom in the Bare Garden
Gaz Coombes	Turn The Car Around
Gina Birch	I Play My Bass Loud
Gorillaz	Cracker Island
Graham Day and The Gaolers	Reflections In the Glass
Holy Tongue	Deliverance and Spiritual Warfare
Jalen Ngonda	Come Around and Love Me
Joel Stoker	The Undertow (feat. The Rifles)
Johnny Marr	Spirit Power: The Best of Johnny Marr
Madness	Theatre of the Absurd presents C'est La Vie
Matt Berry	Simplicity
Matt Deighton	Today Become Forever
Miles Kane	One Man Band
Nick Cave & Warren Ellis	Australian Carnage - Live At The Sydney Opera House
Pete Molinari	Wondrous Afternoon
Popincourt	We were bound to meet
Public Image Ltd.	End of World
Rhoda Dakar	Version Girl
Richard Hawley	Now Then: The Very Best of Richard Hawley
Rogê	Curyman
Samory I	Strength
Sleaford Mods	UK Grim
Small Faces	Live At the BBC '65-'68 - Remastered
The Bluebells	In the 21st Century
The Coral	Sea Of Mirrors
The Evening Sons	Tracks
The Jack Cades	Something New
The Last Sunbathers	Albion Hotel
The Libertines	All Quiet On The Eastern Esplanade
The Liquorice Experiment	How Many Lies
The Monochrome Set	Radio Sessions (Marc Riley BBC6 Music 2011-2022)
The Routes	Reverberation Addict
The Sound of Pop Art	Shapes and Shadows
The WAEVE	The WAEVE
The Woodleigh Research Facility	Phonox Nights
Thee Headcoats	Irregularis (The Great Hiatus)
Thomas Walsh	The Rest Is History
Wreckless Eric	Leisureland

Who’s been sleeping in my head?

I returned back to the world last night

And someone had stolen my dreams

I’d left them alone with 

my keys and my phone

yes someone has stolen my dreams

 

the truth’s been lined up against the wall again

and honesty’s been shot in the back

she’s been left to die

like a random drive by

yes honesty’s been shot in the back

 

Insanity is rampant and hatred’s in vogue

The future’s been strangled at birth

with no golden days

just the sun’s final rays 

yes future’s been strangled at birth

 

Wisdom’s been banished and empathy vanished

and the yellow brick road has been sold

to a small group of men

who’ll no doubt sell it again

yes the yellow brick road has been sold

 

I switched on a screen and wanted to scream

whilst watching the whole thing implode

but no bang or whimper

there was barely a simper

when watching the whole thing implode

 

A friend slid off the earth today

Hardly anybody noticed he’d gone...

Return of the Magpie…

Following on from my previous ADHD related article Ooh look! There’s a Magpie and the generous feedback I received, I thought I’d explore more Filter Off writing with the intention to demonstrate the persistent nature of this gentle hysteria... 

FILTER OFF. I am so tired, crushingly tired. Fucking alarms going off all around the office. Shut the buggery up. Why are all these people shouting and talking such utter bollocks. It is doing my head in. The person next to me SHOUTS all the time. FILTER ON. I’m tired today, the office can be a slight struggle sometimes. FILTER OFF. I am drifting through the day. I should – STOP SHOUTING – really get on with work. Had to pause for a minute to keep my mood placid. 15 people in the same space all scrabbling for attention. We’ll all be out of work soon, unless we change things quickly. Should I go out and get some more Sushi. Or toast or both. Or go on a diet. Need to learn to type quicker to even hang on to the coat tails of my rapidly dissolving thoughts…. Crap mixed metaphor. 

 

Managed to go 4 seconds without accelerating downhill again. FILTER ON. And breathe. FILTER OFF. I wonder if this is a heart attack or a panic attack or an anxiety event or simply just another day in a shouty (Shouty McShoutyface) office. Sunak is up against it but he’ll weasel his way out. The Covid enquiry could be so much more. Do you remember watching the Buzzcocks on top of the pops? I loved their Mondrian style shirts. It is one L and two P’s. It is quite fascinating to observe these thoughts spinning off into the darkness of my imagination. Like Catherine Wheels loosely nailed to the garden fence, spinning off into the compost heap. I liked Langney Green, hopping over the wall to cut off the crucial 8 yards. [Stopped to check my WhatsApp, Instagram and FB accounts – Only one person liked my Harry Crosby tribute]. One of my favourite jokes is as follows. “The Leader of The Pedants’ Revolt – Which Tyler!” Now, don’t make me explain it… I remember hanging out of a window - I am Mersault, all Gitanes and Calvados FILTER ON. Mersault is the lead character in Camus' The Outsider.

 

I’ve given myself permission to ‘think quieter’ for the next 10 minutes. Might go for a walk around the block. FILTER OFF. Well, that didn’t happen. Instead, I explored the ‘Sound is Colour’ website and nearly bought two sweatshirts and a T-shirt! Also discovered that Nick Cave is doing a solo gig in the State Theatre Sydney, must must must get tickets for that… Ooh look! There’s a Magpie!!

 

There is a picture of a bug-eyed marsupial (A Northern Quoll apparently) staring down from above…. It is hot in Sydney today. Sweaty, a fuck I’m hot but prefer it to cold sort of day. Been thinking about the outfits that the mini drivers in The Italian Job wore (inspired by a picture of The Prisoners in similar outfits for their recent Roundhouse warm up gig in Herne Bay). I’ve just realised I have barely spoken at all since being in the office. FILTER ON. Just had 15-minute work conversation – professional/focussed. FILTER OFF. I can’t work out whether to play my Telecaster or Rickenbacker when overdubbing new songs at studio on Friday. World Peace… that ain’t ever happening. Next year is the Year of the Dragon or so the Chinese printers tell me. San Pellegrino bottle collection growing on my desk. I despise Boris Johnson more than anyone I can recall. How did people fall for this arrogant little twerp? Chelsea are doing very badly indeed. Not much longer for Pochettino… God I need to lose weight. FILTER ON. I’ll stop this here and now as it is rather exhausting, and I can see the look on your sad and tired faces… 

Ooh look! There’s a Magpie!!!

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #20 – Simply Red – Stars

Stars is the fourth album by British-based pop/soul/jazz/neo-bland band Simply Red, released in September 1991. Five singles were released from the album, including the UK top ten hits "Stars", “Ronnie the Ponce”, “Dogging” and "For Your Babies". The album was a worldwide success, particularly in the band's home country where it has been certified twelve times platinum and was the best-selling album of the year in the UK for both 1991 and 1992, the first album to be the best-seller in two consecutive years since Simon & Garfunkel's Bridge over Troubled Water in 1970–71. 

Stars comes with a medical warning for those who suffer from diabetes. Due to the unhealthy levels of sugar-coated sludge pop, caution is advised. 

Mick ‘Chuffy’ Hucknall was the lead singer in The Frantic Elevators and to be quite honest, that is where he should have stayed. He allegedly attended the famous Sex Pistols gigs at the Free Trade Hall, Manchester – so heaven knows why he would turn out such banal musings. But then again, Oswald Moseley was originally a member of the Labour Party and look where he ended up!

Esme Scapegoat

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #19 – Queen – Greatest hits

Greatest Hits is a pisspoor compilation album by the British pomp rock band Queen, released worldwide on 26 October 1981. The album consisted of Queen's biggest hits since their first chart appearance in 1974 with "Seven Seas of Rhye", up to their 1980 hit "Flash".

The track list varied from country to country but no matter what the combination was it still sounded like pompous codswallop. Tracks inevitably included: ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, which was voted the worst British song of all time in The British Magazine’s Music Awards 2021.

The top 10 worst British songs of all time, as voted for by The British Magazine’s readership.

1.     Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen

2.     Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin

3.     Candle in the Wind (1997) – Elton John

4.     Floral Dance/Tomorrow belongs to us – Nigel Farage & the East Thanet Eagle Battalion

5.     Every breath you take – The Police (aka The Pseuds)

6.     Leo Sayer – One Man Band

7.     Adele – Skyfall

8.     Greensleeves (trad.) – Performed by The Nick Griffin Oak Leaf Regiment

9.     Imagine – John Lennon

10.  Careless Whisper – George Michael

Jack Nash

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #18 – Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells

Tubular Bells is the debut studio album by the British musician Mike Oldfield, released on 25 May 1973 as the first album on Virgin Records. It comprises two mostly instrumental tracks. Oldfield, who was 19 years old when it was recorded, played almost all the instruments, apart from the Tobago Harp which was played by Ronnie Omelettes (who later found fame as a housing officer in South-East London).

Tubular Bells initially sold unsurprisingly slowly, but gained worldwide attention in December 1973 when its opening theme was used for the soundtrack to the horror film The Exorcist. This led to a surge in sales which increased Oldfield's profile and played an important part in the growth of the Virgin Group, owned by bucktoothed hippy dilettante Dickie Branson.

Tuberculosis Bells stayed in the top ten of the UK Albums Chart for one year from March 1974, during which it reached number one for one week. It reached number three on the US Billboard 200, and number one in Canada, Australia and Myanmar. It has sold more than 2.7 million copies in the UK and an estimated 15 million copies worldwide (It should be noted that only 11 million people voted for the Nazis in 1932).

15 million copies – God give me strength. 

 

Barry Wildcherry

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #17 – The Killers – Hot Fuss

Hot Fuss is the debut studio album by American rock band the Killers, released on June 7, 2004, in the United Kingdom and on June 15, 2004, in the United States by Island Records. Though why they bothered to split the release dates at all is unknown – most probably some marketing department bullshit. The album's music is mostly influenced by new wave and post-punk – yeah right! Hot Fuss spawned four commercially successful singles: "Mr. Brightside", "Somebody Told Me something about Grouty", "All These Things That I've Done Mr Mackay", “The Hustler”, “Prisoner and Escort” and "Smile Like You Mean It You Nerk".

The album reached number seven on the Billboard 200 and number one on the UK Albums Chart. As of December 2012, Hot Fuss had sold more than seven million copies worldwide, including more than three million in the United States and more than two million in the United Kingdom. It has also been certified platinum or multi-platinum in Australia, Canada, Ireland, and New Zealand. The album and its first three singles went on to garner five Grammy Award nominations.

Lead singer and songwriter Barry Spud was asked whether he was in any way influenced by 70’s UK sitcom ‘Porridge’. Spud threatened the journalist with a punch up the bracket before flouncing out in the manner of Christopher Biggins’ character Lukewarm in the aforementioned series. The band’s PR Agency Benny Willoughby & Binky Drummond Press Associates later issued the following statement.

‘Following an outrageous assertion by discredited journalist Bunny Warren. Barry Spud denies any knowledge of Porridge, 1970’s, Sitcoms or the UK. Furthermore, the statement declared that Mr Spud’s parole hearing is less than a week away, Godber had a fight with football hooligan Jarvis, and Fletch realising that he will have to risk solitary confinement and loss of his own remission to help Godber. Meanwhile, Fletch is suspicious of his daughter's holiday plans.’

"Mr. Brightside" is the most tedious go to cover by the numerous cover bands that are sucking the life out of the current live music scene. It is a remarkably non-descript tune and why people get so worked up about a piss-weak tune like this is beyond me.

 

The Killers are the Robbie Savage of post-pop drivel. 

 

 Johnny Langney

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #16 – The Cure - Pornography

Pornography is the fourth studio album by English gothic rock band the Cure, released on 4 May 1982by Fiction Records. Preceded by the non-album single "Charlotte Sometimes", it was the band's first album with new producer Phil Thornalleyalleyalleyoop, and was recorded at RAK Studios from January to April 1982. 

The sessions saw the band on the brink of collapse, with heavy drug use, band in-fighting, and front man Robert Smith's depression fuelling the album's musical and lyrical content. Pornography represents the conclusion of the Cure's early dark, gloomy musical phase, which began with their second album Seventeen Seconds (1980). 

Following its release, bassist Simon Gallup left the band, and the Cure switched to a much brighter and more radio-friendly new wave sound – the sell outs. Although it was poorly received by critics at the time of release and regarded as a load of pretentious twaddle, Pornography was the Cure's most popular album to date, reaching number eight on the UK Albums Chart. It has since gone on to gain acclaim from critics, and is now considered an important milestone in the development of the turgid style of music known as gothic rock.

It is the most tedious long-playing record ever made.

Barry Wildcherry

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #15 – Prince – Purple Rain

Be fair, it isn’t that good is it? Is it? I hated the title track and therefore didn’t bother with the rest of it. 

 

File under, albums you’ve never actually heard #2.

 

Karen Warbleton

  

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #14 – The Police – Reggatta de Blanc

Stingy the Geordie school teacher, who has been quoted as “dancing like a nonce and dressing like a berk” was the ‘driving-force’ in the new wave cod-reggae mob The Police (aka The Pseuds) that emerged out of the punk explosion. Alongside 92-year-old ex-music hall and vaudeville guitarist Andy Supper-Club and ersatz right-wing populist tub-thumping mono-drummer Stewart Copebloke. 

 

Stingy & Co. spat a slimy mouthful of cold sick all over the UK music scene. These unutterably wishy-washy outpourings were despised the length and breadth of the country. To such an extent that political observers can directly trace the resurgence of the Scottish National Party to the album’s release in October 1979. Sinn Féin also received a significant amount of additional funding around this time, although is generally assumed to be nothing more than a mere coincidence.

 

Reggatta de Blanc (loose translation – White Regatta and not White Reggae as The Pseuds had assumed) was full of the most mind-numbing bilge imaginable. Tracks include; ‘Message in a bottle, ‘Walking on the Moon’, ‘Going to the Shops’, ‘Having a cup of tea’, ‘I & I living in a Dreadwood’ ‘My family are all CIA’ and ‘Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo’ reached the top of the UK album charts and anyone who bought this tripe should apologise right now. 

 

1979 proved to be a bit of a horror show for poor Ol’ Stingy. Not only had he dished up this atrocious offering, he had also managed to mangle the role of the Ace Face in the film ‘Quadrophenia’. His dancing in the film, even now, is shown to all wannabees as how not to dance. It was so bad he was only filmed from his top lip upwards. It wasn’t just Stingy who had a bad year though. Trumped up American bell-end Copebloke, also lot his deposit when standing in the UK general election earlier in the year as a candidate for the Muppets Party. Andy Supper-Club also mislaid his bus pass that September. 

 

Stingy is still performing under armed guard. Copebloke is still not to be trusted with sharp objects. Supper-Club doesn’t know what year it is. 

 

Karen Warbleton

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #13 – Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin IV

Talking of cock rock. Led Zeppelin were formed out of the ashes of Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts (or some such 60’s has-been band). The overwhelming smell of this record is a heady mix of stale Watney’s Red Barrel, a half-smoked Woodbine, liberal amounts of BO and a paraffin heater. 

 

And whilst it smells bad, it sounds awful. Bloody awful in fact. Riffs, squeaks, squawk, solo, solo are you still there? Solo etc, repeat to fade. As for Stairway to Heaven, what a dirge. Never made it to the end of the song. 

 

The sort of music that Ronnie Bigpants ex-editor-in-chief of the Melody Maker would use to woo his Old Lady with. 

 

This album is the biggest blot on British guitar music history.  Or as Ned Freshly of underground surf rockers The Cthulus declared “It’s the American idea of what British Rock should sound like, played by Brits, trying to sound like Yanks”. 

 

NB The surviving individual members of Led Zeppelin are nice blokes apparently, at least according to my next-door neighbour who once shared a private jet and a colossal bag of Columbian marching powder with a couple of them. 

 

Johnny Langney

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #12 – Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Blood Sugar Sex Magik

Have you ever heard the Gang of Four? If so, stick to them. If not, check them out because all that the RHCP do is rip them off (whilst at the same time adding a slab of Yank Rock blandness to the mix). 

The band consist of: Mr Anthony Kiedis, Chad Normal, Flea-bert and John Fusciardi (3^rd nephew of the founder of Eastbourne’s finest Ice cream parlour). It is unclear who exactly plays what but poor little Flea-bert purports to be a funk boss lord. He is not. He is a rather silly little chap with a rather bad attitude.

The band like to wave their wangers at the crowd but still wish they were just like Faux-Rock Gods U2 (who are if anybody needs reminding, really shit). 

 

Sage advice - Listen to Gof4 instead especially Entertainment & Solid Gold.

 

Jack Nash

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #11– Metallica – Metallica

 Silly people’s music. 

 

Johnny Langney

 

The Poetry Dealer

A new novel, coming to you in 2024...

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #10 – Michael Jackson – Thriller

Dross.

 

Johnny Langney

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #9 – Dire Straits – Brothers in Arms

Dire Straits were a British skiffle and hard rock band formed in London in 1977 by professional cockney Mark Knopfler (lead vocals and lead guitar), David Knopfler (rhythm guitar and backing vocals), John Knopfler (bass guitar and backing vocals) and Pick Knopfler (drums and percussion). They were active from 1977 to 1988 and again from 1990 to 1995. They were useless.  

Their biggest selling album Brothers in Arms (working title ‘Mr Bingo’s Jazz Holiday’). The album show cases the relentlessly dull guitar playing of Mark Knopfler (Born in Glasgow, Wales). The other musicians are mere bystanders. 

 

There are many reasons to give this album a wide berth. However, the biggest of them all is is the unwanted appearance of Stingy (Member of The Police and a very bad dancer indeed – have you seen him in Quadrophenia? What an absolute berk!). Stingy co-wrote ‘I’ve got a lot of money’ along with O’Knopfler – it is one of the most smug dirges ever committed to tape. 

 

If you see this record in a second-hand vinyl emporium or charity shop, please take the following action. 

 

1)    Alert any other shoppers as to the danger of listening to such bland nonsense.

2)    Request that the store owner destroys the disk immediately.

3)    Boycott the shop with immediate effect. 

 

This is just the sort of album Michael Gove would like. This and Judy Garland’s Greatest Hits

 

Jack Nash

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #8 – Fleetwood Mac – Rumours

Just abysmal. Not one single redeeming feature. No, not even that track…

 

Jack Nash

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #7 – Adele– 82

 Hairnets and dog food music. She’s 82 you know.

Johnny Langney

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #6 – Eagles – Hotel California

 The drugs don’t work.

Johnny Langney

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #5 – Coldplay - Parachutes

Heralded as this generation’s Echo & the Bunnymen. Coldplay, featuring: Pianist Chris ‘Call me Mr Minor-key’Martin, guitarist Ronny Cosmos, bassist Jive Turkey and hapless drummer Bill Chump. Released a really very average album, wackily entitled ‘Parachutes’ in 2000. It has sold over a billion copies and has made them all as rich as Croesus – except poor old Bill, who gets barely tuppence a financial quarter. 

 

They have stolen the hearts (and minds) of a whole generation of rather soppy individuals who think watching a bloke who writes on his own hand has raided the big boys dressing up box is somehow cool. 

 

According to a made-up source, they are responsible for decimating the whole of the Amazon and melting the polar ice-caps. Nobody at “The Things I Miss…” can verify this outrageous claim and as such we are inclined to dismiss it as merely the rantings of a lazy journalist who is desperate to fill the required word count. 

 

Coldplay are to music what Michael McIntyre is to comedy. 

 

Jack Nash

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #4 – Pink Floyd – Dark side of the moon

Little is known about this record and certainly nobody at “The Things I Miss…” will admit to having heard it all the way through. Made by the remnants of Syd Barrett’s band, apparently it goes on quite a bit. 

 

File under, crap albums you’ve never actually heard.

 

Johnny Langney

Albums no self-respecting gentlemen should own #3 – Anything by Phil Collins

Seriously. You don’t need an article to tell you that now, do you?  

 

Johnny Langney